You Know You Have a Good Friendship When...

You know you have a good friendship when…

Your pregnant friend texts you in the middle of a nap asking "Do you like the name Bruno or Axel?"

"Ummmm is this name for your child??" I hesitantly text back. 

"I know. I hate conventional names but I can't think of anything." 

"Please do not name your baby Axl." I plead

"No, its Axel with an E. Not like Rose" 

"Oh. Yep no."

Major lifetime crisis averted. A good laugh and thank you for the honesty. If anyone can come up with some cool names we need to text them to her pronto.

Her baseball loving husband did seem to care too much for my suggestions of Hugo or Gustav.

Yoga. Doodle. Paint. Repeat.

Gentle Flow

Getting back in the swing of being back after two weeks traveling. Twas a family round up after seeing my parents and brother in St. Louis followed by my cousin and sister in San Francisco/Sonoma.

Got to see SWAT teams in the Lou and leave San Francisco three hours before the biggest earthquake they've had since the late '80s.

Should have known something was on the horizon after the first stop on my San Fran tour at the hotel they filmed the Towering Inferno at. 

A part of two 1970's movies I loved and feared growing up - Earthquake and Towering Inferno. What someone affectionately named the "Shake and Bake" series. 

Lots of good things in Cali. Sustainable farming, nature hikes, ancient redwood trees, good food and wine, cute hipster lumberjacks, and intense yoga studios. Hmmmm, A girl could get used to this. 

One thing that made me realize I'm from Florida though is that I kept thinking everyone was so calm it was unnerving. Yo, where's the grit???

I kept jolting back from traffic when my cousin suggested us crossing the street was safe. Telling me that in California, pedestrian traffic has the right away. I was in shock watching cars slow to a cautious stop instead of going faster to try and run me over. 

It was a great all around trip home and out west. Found out Dad has one more surgery to go which is a bit worrisome but I know it'll be ok. 

Went to class this week and realized I had a muscle in my neck that refused to release. Its been there for quite a while. 

Lately I've been feeling like my right side has been higher than my left and wondered why. Sofia even pointed it out after I fell out of a tripod headstand. "Ahhhh, so that's it. There it is. What is it? Why are you stressed?" 

But I haven't felt stressed so I replied with just a simple "back to work.."

You can always see where you are holding things in by which muscles are knotted. And teachers really see it and know. You cannot hide from a yoga teacher.

Still can't get it to release. Got up late one morning and decided I needed a gentle class which I think started the opening. A little slow flow to release whatever was jacked up in there. 

Didn't even know it was that jacked until today's gentle class and a fellow student asked me about my trip and how my parents were. And then it started. Tears. Through the whole class and a little after.

I've been wondering why I felt numb to this latest family health crisis but in all honesty, the numbness helped. It was like watching a movie, telling people about the cancer and seeing their horrified response to it but feeling like "Yup, its cancer. Again. Whadda ya gonna do?" 

Cancer has definitely been on the brain. Lately, I've even begun having dreams with someone talking to me about melanoma.

Call it cancer fatigue or just dealing with what you have until you can really deal with it. I've never been able to stuff anything away that long and once it does come up, I can't stop it. 

My fellow student who has had her own family health struggles and gives me a sympathetic smile and namaste nod at the end. It makes the gates want to open even more and I'm trying hard to let it go but also not be a slobbering mess. Leaving class I notice I finally feel that muscle release. Ah, thank you.

This is why I love yoga. Whatever kind of energy gets stuck in my body has no place to hide once I start moving. Yoga grounds and opens me up allowing me to be who I really am. And ultimately I can share that freely with others. 

Been noticing that part the most being back from the trip. Its been a lot easier lately. And why I guess I find myself wanting to start my day  with some kind of asana. I crave it.

Other than that little nugget of discovery from the week. Things are good. 

Been painting and finding it opening up as well. Just like yoga if I don't doodle a day, I feel kinda jacked up. Starting to have some good fun with it.

Not sure where all this stuff will ultimately lead but I can feel it going somewhere. The cool thing is that its really becoming a natural flow of sorts. I find myself less stressed about it and enjoying the ride more and more. 

My travel life is starting to become my everyday life.

Been reading the Bhagavad Gita there was one entry that really stood out yesterday:

"Those who are motivated only by desire for the fruits of action are miserable, for they are constantly anxious about the results of what they do."

Read it a few times. It felt deep for me and my struggles to get somewhere, be something, or feel like what I want is just out of my grasp.

Here was the lightbulb moment, one that has shown its way many times but for some reason this time I get it:

When you attach to the outcome of something, it lessens the actual power of what is actually taking place. 

But if you come from a place of doing something from your heart, that's the only thing that matters. No matter what the outcome.

What a wonderful way to live...

Root Down to Lift Up

Bandhas, Koshas, Chakras.

Rotate your arms out. Rotate your legs in and push out like a Pez dispenser. Root down to lift up. 

Lately its all about the foundation.

I forgot how much I like to be in school. It makes me want to take more classes about everything and anything that interests me. 

The more it sinks into my head, it sinks into my practice and eventually slinks into my everyday life. 
"You change your patterns and you change your life" my instructor always says. Its true.

That can start out with holding your body in an uncomfortable position without even knowing it until you find the right alignment. Then it clicks. And it changes your whole movement.

Open. Free. Flow. No pain.

And it has. After a discussion of how we need to be balanced when rooting down, the teachers evaluated our downward dog the next day.

"What happened?" my two instructors said in unison. "You look... good" as they reviewed my stance looking for holes. First thought is this feels much better. Second thought, how bad was it before???"

"I listened yesterday." I replied with a smile

Biggest thing I think about these days is: Am I planted properly on this earth so I can rise up. 

Went to a gentle class and realized with my foot up in the air that it turns in which puts pressure on my hips. My hips are already tight. Hips hold a lot of emotion too. Been working that stuff out one stretch at a time. 

"Did you know you did that with your foot?" my teacher asked. 

No, I didn't. 

I left class thinking about applying equal pressure all over my feet. Thought about it so much I probably left the studio looking like a bowlegged cowboy.

How do I set my foundation for the day? Do I apply equal pressure in all areas of our life?

I've had to ponder this in two concrete ways. My jobs. 

First standing my ground in a difficult conversation initiated by my manager about the energetic drain and negativity that is affecting all of us at the restaurant. Oh and getting a personal attack in the process.

It exhausted me after in a way I haven't felt in a while. It felt bad but you know what, it got it out and released it.

Later realizing that this conversation and clamp down is his way of blowing off steam. And unfortunately the way he deals with stress in his life at the moment. 

I decided I will not let myself be used in this way anymore. An energetic release or balance for someone else's personal issues. I've done it so much in the past. I want no more of it in the present. 

Hand planted.

Add in a sort of hellish paddle board tour last week with eleven paddle boarders and one kayaker ranging in age from 11 to 80. 

Nice enough group but after one paddle board channel marker flip; two kayak tippings and rescues (one of which was not even on my tour); paddling my board at a 45 degree angle while trying my best to keep an 80 year old man who crawled up on the back of it, on it. 

And finally watching him ignore all my instructions and suggestions of how to get back in the kayak easier without sinking it all whilst being devoured by a fire ant in 100+ degree heat. 

I started to wonder back on shore…Do I really want to teach yoga? And are these tours really that much fun anymore?

Honestly I'm not sure I could have survived that tour without the go with the flow mentality and breathing I had to do to get to the end of it. Thanks yoga!

So the learning right now is just for me. What happens with all the information I receive and use will just be a part of the process. A process I'm really enjoying and am getting a lot out of at the moment. Who knows where it will lead?

Foot planted.

I guzzle water, food and have a 15 minute disco nap all in the measly little hour before I have to go wait tables. Rolled in asking for an easy night and getting one was a relief. 

The restaurant had reverted back to the light hearted place I remembered after the conversation with my manager and his subsequent departure for vacation. Woot. Woot.

My last table ended up being a part of my paddle board tour from earlier in the day which I didn't realize until one of the guys screamed out my name as I approached the table. "PENNNNYYYY!"

We recalled the mini adventures we had for the day. They apologized for having to continue on without me as I helped them choose food and a good Spanish Rioja for the end of it. 

Full circle and a thank you from the group along with a nice comment about how much they enjoyed spending time with me today.

Hey, this isn't so bad. In fact its pretty crazy what I get to do in one normal day.


How much we can control our own energy with intention, posture and breath is amazing. We all have this ability and the right to find that power within ourselves.

Rise up.

Yoga Teacher Training

I took the plunge.

Holy first weekend of information. Woah.

Lots to learn. Lots to read. Lots of crazy words to pronounce. 

Funny how things I've been interested in the over last 10 years have come together in Yoga.

Did a couple of meditations this weekend that calmed me so. One was a sound nada yoga that I had the opportunity to hear the whole city and world OM. Images of North Roosevelt traffic and Publix shoppers flooded my head all vibrating to one sound - go figure.

Learning how important it is to clear the mind and body so we can see things as they really are. Learning the words of what I've been feeling when going through poses in and after class.

Above is the cover to the manual by our teacher and one of my fave yoga instructors Marlene. One of the best yoga teachers and artists I have ever met.

Finding a lot of kindred spirits in this yoga stuff. Amazing people doing all kinds of things in life. Lots o artists which I enjoy a lot.

Today I thought about how I wished I would have had this tool in my 20's. Most specifically beginning with the time I was with my grandmother when she died. Was on a bit of an emotional roller coaster back then.

But don't think I would have really appreciated how important this information is without all the experiences I've had up till now.

Good stuff. First week philosophies and histories. Next week chakras. Yoga classes in between…

OMMMMMmmmmmmmm

Let Go and Live

"You're so calm. I want to be like you."

Something I heard twice last week on tour while I was working myself into a tizzy trying hard not to think of my Dad going through thyroid surgery to remove a cancerous growth.

I always get a little upset when something is going to have to be removed from my family. In this case Dad's entire thyroid. That also included having to reattach vocal chords which scared me even more. 

My dad has a very strong voice. At times its enraged me. I've had to scream over it in an attempt to be heard. Now I might lose it? Fear.

While I was on my trip in Bali and right after I had a host of things going on. My Tio in Spain had a stroke. My Dad found this growth. Coming back I got a good dose of restaurant drama, termite tenting and jury duty was the cherry on top.

All I thought of was, just breathe. Just go with the flow. I didn't resist. And yoga worked out the kinks where the fear wanted to hide. 

You gotta have your outlets. I have mine. Do you have yours?

After the experience of two cancers in my family and the giant hotel like cancer center I saw in St. Louis, it got me to thinking… Why is there so much cancer?

Cancer is a scary word. It brings fear into people so much they won't even speak its name. But what if cancer wasn't our enemy it was our friend?

The last time mom had it and I saw her go through chemo trying to eradicate it, I thought it was so extreme. Here we are trying to eliminate something our body is trying to tell us. Is there another way to look at it?

I think cancer is an imbalance. Something you tuck away from your emotional body when you don't want to deal and it eventually forms something physical to make you acknowledge it. 

Of course there are a lot of different things to compliment that. Processed foods, chemicals, the destruction of our earthly environment which provides us with sustenance. 

The United States has a lot of fear. The United States has a lot of cancer. 

What if we didn't fear but supported each other? Instead of pitting ourselves against the world what if we opened our arms to it? What would that look like?

To me its community. A shared happiness in taking care of ourselves and others. When we separate, we get fearful. If everyone accepted one another and their differences the world would not be you against me. It would be us. 

Part of the reason even with its bumps and bruises, I still like it down here. 

A friend of mine just moved back recently and she described the first walk she took with her young daughters. They were reveling in all the beauty of nature around them until a cab pulled up with an elderly couple wobbly and convulsing. She thought the lady was having a stroke until she started projectile vomiting out of the cab. Drunk.

That's probably the best description I can give of this place these days. A nurturing nature wonderland peppered with wildly intoxicated people trying to let go. Yin and Yang.


There are places in this world that people come to release and reboot. Key West is one of those places. So is Bali.

Maybe we need to let go a bit more. Move past the fear. What's there really to be fearful of if you know you have the support you need. 

Could you live your life the way you really wanted to? Could you really be happy?

Watched Gravity last night and that seemed to be the main gist while Sandra Bullock was escaping one space shit storm after another. She liked space cause it was quiet and no one could hurt her but she also didn't want to be out there alone.

At one point in her final escape she decided to give up and started deleting all her oxygen so she could pass out when a friend came to her and spoke the words she needed to hear to finally wake up.

As she attempted her re-entry she said "Either I make it down there in one piece and have one hell of a story to tell or I burn up in the next ten minutes."

That's a good way to put it, Sandy and I think I'll use it. Let go and live.

Oh and while you're at it, enjoy the ride.

Independence Day

When I asked dad this morning about his scheduled noon release time from the hospital, he informs me that he is leaving at 10 am cause he wants to catch the soccer game. 

That stubborn Spanish streak cannot be tamed. And that's how I know its all gonna be ok :)

Happy Independence Day Daddio. Love ya mucho.

Stand By...

Please stand by for more cancer.

Ground and let go. Its all you can do. 

Waiting is the hardest part.