Well hello, Officer...Is there a problem?

I'm speeding down a highway to a place I can't find.

This my friends is the quote to sum up 2013. Its also how I started the description of a recent trip to the southwest. A wonderful road trip planned to see some of our wondrous national parks. 

Except they were closed. DOH!

Still it was a great trip and much needed after this year. The first day was a bit bumpy as per the above visit from a Utah Highway Patrolman. I was staring at a map driving desperately trying to find a place I wanted to visit. I was so determined to find it I took my eyes off what was in front of me and immediately got pulled over.

Ironically, I had been driving like a grandma the whole time before that cautious to not overspeed cause it appears once every 6 months or so when I drive, this happens. I had been waiting for my previous faux pas combining two needs, peeing and coffee, into one illegal U-turn on US1 to fall off my record. Instead it grows...

But I digress. In a strange way the Utah pullover broke my mounting frustrations and I finally gave in. No more comparisons to how easy it was last year. Giving up on finding the elusive trail head and to top it off giving the keys over to my ADD friend who I thought would get us in an accident, so she could drive. Nope no more control, I'm just gonna sit back and let whatever happens happen.

And as soon as I did that the whole trip changed. Fun little side jaunts, nice people to talk to who were in the same predicament and sharing alternative vistas to visit. I even met a cool one-eyed dog. It was great. 

There has been this theme for me for the last year and maybe even the past 8 years I've been trying to shake. I finally realized it on a hike we took off one of the highways in a red rock area that reminded me of a lot Sedona. 

As I started talking to my friend, I told her how I'd been beating myself up about that ticket and how frustrated I was by the whole situation. And the fact that we couldn't do what I had so expertly planned for us to do for this entire trip. I'm so sick of the stop start stop start thing going on in my life, I exhaustedly said.  When I backed up a bit I could see there was a thread to that frustration and that is this:

I start to see a pathway to what I want and sometimes try to push faster through to get it. In the midst of that pushing I get sidetracked or hijacked and the frustration builds in me not meeting my intended destination. 

But I am always on that destination path. And whenever I seem to veer off of it or lose sight, I have one of these blocks to slow me down and reroute. 

Call it an angel, a spirit guide or a highway patrolman. I have always had someone come out of nowhere to stop me if I was doing something I shouldn't be doing. Everytime. Its been like that my whole life.

I get so focused on something, I wonder where all this frustration is coming from after getting blocked a multitude of ways and times. Then its time to ask why. Why am I so bothered? Where is it coming from? Usually if you take time to ask that the answer is right in front of you.

So my answer is this... Stop pushing. 

I've heard this so clearly in the last year and within the last month that I give in for reals. I can't do it anymore and I don't want to.

My life is so much more enjoyable when I just do what I feel. Find enjoyment in the things I love and live in that place. The rest seems to take care of itself when I follow that route. 

Hell, the last two trips I had planned to go on my own when suddenly a friend asked if they could go with. It turned out perfect both times and I didn't need to do a thing to make it happen. 

I started to really feel the "no push mode" on this last trip out west and am trying to continue to be conscious of that feeling day to day. Especially when those frustrations mount.

I don't want to be anything other than me anymore. I just want to be. 

Keep thinking that I've got this nailed down until it comes back up to slap me in the face. This latest slap includes 6 month probation and Utah traffic school. Perhaps, I will learn how to drive and not get a ticket. That would be cool.

Anyhoo, a couple of you have emailed me to share stories of your lives and thanked me for sharing mine. I am touched that you find value in these little crazy thoughts of mine. I started out just wanting to keep journaling after a three month trip to Spain but it appears its hit a chord for some of you and that's a really cool thing.

Haven't been writing as much as doing these last few months and enjoying the hell out of it. Lots of Yoga, reading, beach swims, connecting with friends, painting, hiking, bike rides, and of course work which has begun to feel more like social hour than work. I get to talk to a lot of different people and its been quite enjoyable.

Not looking out for the next big thing instead just looking at now. And finally settling into a place where push is passé. 

Hope all is well in your worlds too.