EMERGE

The yoga teacher asked us to set an intention for the new year as we all closed our eyes together. One word popped up immediately and an image. 

I flashed back to a drawing I had to do for a high school art class. It was a word with little lines forming solid visible letters: EMERGE.

108 sun salutation may not sound fun but during it I felt like I was spreading my wings flying each time we raised up. 

The artisan market was an interesting set of events. Started as a wild hair up my ass to shake things up. I had just talked to a friend who had made a recent leap out of her old circumstances. She let go and in putting out there what she wanted, she received it. 

I was jealous. I stared at my artwork thinking it had been caged up too long. I longed for the leap and the consequent shake up I needed to break through. So I applied for a space, set in motion the necessary items I'd need to sell and in the process sold a piece that very same day. Whoa. You really do get what you want when you put it out there.

Gave myself enough time I thought to create a decent body of work to sell and pull together before March 30th. Until I caught some kind of flu. 

I struggled to work, create and rest. I wanted to rest more often than not and was getting frustrated at not being able to push myself farther. I finally gave in and listened to my body what it needed. My work is good enough. 

I had to let go of my expectations and just be with it. I was enough.

Tried to figure out a configuration to take so I could display my work. It came down to my desk and little green patio set. I have nowhere to store an extra table or setting in my apartment so it was perfect, it was totally me.

In the past, I would have built this event up to be the final marker of what my art should be. Success? Failure? A life tied to slinging plates and paddling tourists for all times? Instead what I realized is this is just a part of me. One piece of a whole lot more.

One that I haven't shared with many people. It was time to come out of the Artist closet. What better way to do it than in front of the whole town. Everyone I knew and had probably waited on at some time or another.

I got accepted into the event. I wasn't sure that was even going to happen after sending in the application. They had a lot of interest now it being a successful event. But even knowing that, I thought if I get in great - if not, its not like I'm going to stop doing what I'm doing. So what.

I did and I went. Got great feedback. People really liked my stuff. Were really surprised I did what I did. 

I brought both paintings and photos. When they looked at the paintings they were shocked, then they saw the photos and said "You did this too??" 

That felt good.

I sold a few pieces. Not much but a little. Was happy to get through the event and had a good time doing it with my friends. Not as scared as I thought I would be which was nice. 

A couple of my respected peers wondered how I was doing at the event as they shared how they also found standing with their own work to be really tough. That was comforting. 

But its me. Always has been and always will be. 

A couple of NYC friends from my advertising days came in the week before this event. I originally thought it was bad timing cause I had so much to do but still wanted to see them. They are both at the top of their games in their respective careers. They had lots of questions for me.

Basically what do you do? How I live? What I've been up to all these years?...I haven't seen them since my disengagement tour 8 or so years ago which was a lively road trip after a failed long term relationship and final implosion of a life I couldn't be a part of anymore. I had no idea what was next but knew it had to be better than what I had. 

I had questions for them too. "Was it any better at the top?" Something I had wondered while leaving the ad business.

Not really. "Pretty much the same thing but now I'm just more accountable for what goes wrong." As they chatted about their work and lives in NYC I saw a familiar expression I felt in the business. Exhaustion. 

My one friend said that she sometimes thought about becoming a florist or a photographer. I encouraged her to do it. She could do it. It was possible. 

I know because I made the jump. I went through the bumps and bruises of letting go of that life which I shared wasn't so easy to let go of at times. Seeing them and hearing their stories made me feel good about those life choices that seemed a bit off at the time. I WAS in the right place. You know how I know?-- I feel at peace for once in my life. Have been feeling a lot of that lately.

And all that anxiety I had when I wasn't in the right place has always been my guide. It led me out and into what I've always been - an Artist. 

Artist can mean many things to people and for me it does too. But above all, it means experiencing life. Going where my curiosities lie and exploring. My life has been richer for it.

I ran into one of my yoga teachers who is an amazing artist this morning in my new yoga hot pants. She waved me down apologizing that she didn't make it to the market. I told her it was fine and that it went well. It was the first time I've done something like this I explained with a grimace. 

"The hardest part is that first showing but afterwards you know its not that scary and that's such a good thing", she said. I agreed and found this to be the most important lesson out of the whole process. She said she never knew I was a photographer but it all made sense when she found out.

"Well, I paint too. My grandmother taught me when I was 3"

"PENNY!!!!! Why haven't you shared this?" 

I know I've been in hiding, but not anymore. 

Wonder what they'll think when they find out I write too.