Charged

"You seem...Charged." a regular patron tells me as I enter the restaurant after my first weekend in Wynwood.

"I am!" and that is the best description of the finish of a few really really good weeks.

Who knew just a mere weekend or two off would change my whole perspective. It really stretches back the night before my birthday and a vegetarian cooking class with a bunch of girls I didn't really know.

Bookend Stock Island krunk fun to Wynwood krunk. Or Krunk to Krunk as I like to call it.

At the cooking class I found out one of the girls worked in the library. I've always wanted to secretly be a librarian and so I not so stealthy cornered her to find out what its really like while listening how we should cook vegetables.

In the midst of finding out how to properly slice and dice our veggies I gave up and told her how I've always wanted to work in a library but never knew anyone actually working in one. The flood gates were open for questions at that point and bonus, she actually worked in the archival section which is even cooler and my inner nerd rejoiced.

We talked all about her work, how she got there, where she wants to ultimately go with it and does she ever get afraid of ruining really old stuff. And there was one sentence she uttered that summed up my obessession with running away to the library world for work.

"Yeah, I like to learn too."

That's it. That's why I want to be a librarian. And why the library has always been a sanctuary for me in my toughest times. It may not be the job I'm looking for so much as the environment and ability to learn at all times. 

Steph, an old college buddy rolls into town the day after my birthday. Most of my college friends have families and 9 to 5 jobs and all of them have not made it down here. Yet.

She got a great gift from her hubby (also a college buddy of mine) to come down and visit. I warn her that we'll be kicking it in my studio apartment like its 1995. At first a little embarrassed by it. 

You tend to compare your life to your friends in "normalsville" and wonder if you're not still a college student who's in their 40's. 

Thinking mostly of her sprawling house and yard in comparison to my one room apartment. But in the end I really love my place, where I'm at and am happy to share it with her.

We get some bikes and roll about town. As she calls it the wine and bike tour cause that's exactly what we did. My favorite part was the sailboat/snorkel day in which we got in and swam with all the fishes. Something I vow to do more often cause I miss the reef and open water.

We swam with a big ole sea turtle and nurse shark that whizzed by. I kept popping up and pointing to make sure she was seeing it all.

Key West home isn't so bad when you have all this beauty to enjoy. Sometimes it takes a friend coming down to remind you of that very thing. 

Onto the next week and a trip up to Miami to help my spirit animal make a Wynwood mural. Marlene is one of my yoga teacher/artist friends who is fucking cool as shit. And even cooler when you find out she was on a call list to pose nude and that ended her up at a cocktail party naked painted pink serving David Bowie a drink.

I remember seeing her artwork before I actually knew her and asking the gallery owner "Who is that???" 

Her work spoke to me immediately and later finding out she's a trip to hang with as well. Her, me and her nephew are on the team to make this wall happen. And bonus points for all of us not knowing what we were doing since it was all our first time but it just flowed.

The ride up to Miami was so fast as we all talked constantly about everything. I forgot what its like to be around artists. Fast, excited, conversation over a myriad of subjects and how to tutorials.

It was already a great trip. We primed the wall the first day and scoped it out. While waiting for the second coat to dry we got some animal masks in the costume shop we were painting on.

In between had great beers at the brewery, amazing food at Kush, and met other creatives in the neighborhood. I was in heaven and it was only the first weekend.

We finished up this past weekend staying in a krunk town airbnb place that was kinda perfect too. Complete with three huge banana tree spiders that kept the bugs away.

Everyone in Miami was so kind. From the couple that let us use their scaffolding. Right down to the security guard who let us into the Wynwood walls cause Chase wanted to take a pic of one artist's work. It totally changed my view of Miami and let me know there's a place I can get my creative fix if I need to. 

I need to be around other artists. It just adds something to the work and is a damn good time. 

Food truck eats, an MTV food show shoot while painting, walking around the walls trying to figure out how other artists did what they did was awesome. 

Marlene is talking about starting a mural business and I'd be totally fine with it. I don't even care how much it pays, I just want to keep painting. It was so fun figuring it all out and with a wall that big you can't think about screwing it up. You just gotta get paint down and quick. Details come later.

I see it already changing my work which is what I hoped this excursion would do.

Shake things up a bit, give yourself some space, see where it leads. 

The artist community is how I fell in love with Key West. It's good to see it alive again in another form.

And the biggest learning of all came yesterday when I got a rush of ideas for new paintings. I am not a marketer.

I started taking off the marketing tag on descriptions of me in my social media a few weeks ago. It didn't feel right anymore. 

I got some requests for files from the new web designer of an old client and realized I have used marketing as a shield to be what I am. An artist.

It was a way to stay creative, make money, have a respectable title. It was safe.

As an artist, there's no guarantee you'll sell. You may have odd jobs, and there's no traditional pathway to success. Its a total crap shoot.

I chose marketing cause it was safe and it almost killed me. Yes, I learned how to MacGyver the shit out of anything and make it happen on a shoestring budget but I got crushed. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

I choose art. I'd much rather use my marketing tools to spread art out in the world than beer, shoes, tomato sauce, credit cards, and soda. 

Its where my heart is and always has been. I don't think I truly realized that until this weekend. I don't think I truly knew how marketing blocked me from being that until now.

I choose art. I choose my heart. Even if I'm not quite sure where it leads.

I started a new portrait yesterday and have some really cool weird ideas for more. Having fun with it I decided to post a pic to my personal Facebook page to show people. 

I've always compartmentalized that piece of me not comfortable to show it to everyone. It took a long time to just show my paintings to people I knew and cared about. I didn't hesitate to show it now. 

As we were cleaning up last night and one of our busboys  was mentioning I've been gone too much as of late. Our manager made light of it in a way saying, "Don't you know, she's an artist now..."

"Yes, I am. Damn straight."

Hello

Hello!

This is what you see when going to a friend's house to get your haircut. 

I love spring. Always have and always will.

Space...

A little space make a world of difference.

Traded a shift for a co-worker to have a night off. That left me with one day on, one day off work week. 

I had no idea how much that would change my mood and am excited to have more space this upcoming month with a friend coming in town and the mural in Miami.

Things have been softening. The need to breakthrough lessening. Learning to really be in the moment whatever that entails.

Overall, listening to my heart more and my mind less. I highly recommend that.

Enjoyed my unexpected evening off with a sunset sesh at the beach and subsequent beautiful bike ride home.

Death

Friday morning I had a kayak tour of 24. Friday night I waited on 70 people. 

Woke up early to meet a friend for a birthday breakfast. And wandered around town.

Next day, a wall of flu. 

I just got a following on Instagram by a cemetery which is right on par cause I feel like death.

Oh well, at least I get another day off. 

Drinking a whole container of Oj wondering if spring break is over yet.

And just like that...

Two days ago I felt like I was in a hole. A depression I haven't felt in a long long time.

Yesterday I picked up a crystal that made me feel weird in a good way. I promptly paid for it and headed home.

Today, I had a standing morning coffee and donut date with my spirit animal that was totally what I needed. Artist Yogi extraordinaire who is a great mentor as well as friend.

A gentle nudge from two friends in two days to start letting go of the restaurant work so I can let something new in. Knowing they are right but not sure how without totally freaking out.

Didn't realize how much of a machine I've been working in until now and how much I've been resisting letting it go since its been the only thing I've known for work these past years. All the resistance and depression is how I know its not working anymore.

Time to start living the art/travel life in the foreground like I've been talking about since I moved down. And that means letting go of what I know. Trusting and creating space for something new to develop.

And boom. An offer to help create a mural at the Wynwood walls pops up from my spirit animal. She's never done something like this before and I immediately offer my assistance cause I wanna learn (and have some fun in Miami)

I just might need to give up a shift at the restaurant for a bit to go up each weekend for the next month. Uh, yes please.

New tricks. New exploration. Inspiration. Less restaurant.

"We're gonna Thelma and Louise the shit out of this!" was my comment when she excitedly accepted my offer. 

And a counter offer that we could possibly tap each others talents to expand and sell our wares. 

New art fix. New experience. Travel. Yes, yes, and YES.

And maybe I'll buy a car up up there too.

So excited! Happy Lunar Eclipse Ya'll!

Be the Change

Be the change you want to see in the world

Haven't had too much to say lately. Mostly been thinking about things and trying to feel it out. When that happens... I get quiet.

Went home for a long overdue vacation and to see the parental units. Dad's been having some health issues and of course refuses to wear his doctor ordered monitor so they can figure it out.

When I go away, I delight in all the cultural, physical, and food options that don't exist in Key West. Not to mention a bit of shopping as well. 

When my life was in a serious nose dive years ago, I moved to Key West. I was so sick of not fitting into the boxes that defined success "relationship, home, job, etc". They were not making me happy and even in my distraught state, I yearned to be free. 

So I dropped out. Hence the residence in Key West.

No more relationship, no more home, no more cubicle.

That drop out allowed me to heal, think, feel, and find my bearings. Do you allow yourself time to feel? Do you allow yourself the space to see? 

I finally saw what I'd been given on this recent trip home and what might be awaiting me if I ever decide to leave this island. Which is what I find myself increasingly thinking of.

What it gave me. 

The space and community to discover who I was and what I want. Something I will forever be grateful for. 

Places I travel to usually involve a sense of seclusion (i.e., Bali, the desert, Peru, Spain (communication seclusion) Removing yourself from all the noise and distraction is a powerful tool. 

You begin to realize you don't need a lot to be happy. I definitely see this in third world countries and am amazed at how unhappy everyone seems to be in the States.

We accumulate things to make ourselves feel whole. People, jobs, cars, homes. They never really do the job. We need to find ourselves in order to find what truly makes us happy. Limiting your accumulations can help you discover that. Doing something that totally scares you can launch a new life.

I'm watching a couple of friends go through the engagement/relationship portions of their lives. In between pole dancing class.

I see the confusion of wanting to do the benchmark life event but not really sure of what it means. Just knowing that this is what you're supposed to do. This is the goal, without knowing if you really want it but the train is going full speed ahead.

I don't miss that question mark. In fact I'm relieved to have experienced it and know I don't need it to be happy.

Would I like a partner in crime to enjoy all of life's offerings? 
Of course, but I don't need to be married to him to cement my place in the world. I kinda like being fluid, in the moment and need someone to match that for it to work.

Always thought it was the opposite but see why it hasn't worked in the past. Must be why I finally brought home an art piece made by a guy I almost married. 

Had saved it for a long time in the basement of my parent's house. I really did love it but couldn't get past seeing him and the pain in it. 

Did not want him in my space so it sat covered up for years until I uncovered it every once in a while to decide if it was time to bring it in. 

You might think 11 years is a long time to decide but that's how long it took for me to finally see me in that piece. Funny cause its a giant lighted P with a dragonfly (one of my favorite spirit creatures). You'd think that wouldn't be so hard. 

Healing comes in waves with a lot of setbacks. I finally feel like that nose dive time is behind me. Especially when I come home at night and light the P. 

And it truly is complete with a set of anchoring tools to help me find my center if I start to nose dive again.

In St. Louis a friend took me to venture cafe. A place where a panel of speakers from the community talk to an audience of working collaborators. Young tech people enjoying free craft beer and eats watching as a panel of chef's talk about the up and coming food community in St. Louis. Wha????

Never in a million years would I expect to see this kind of creativity and collaboration in of all places - St. Louis. The food scene there blows doors off Key West mostly cause its so much cheaper to operate. But the creativity...

I miss that in Key West.

The whole reason I wanted to live here was the creativity. A bunch of outlaw people living life outside the box. It was an intoxicating mix coming from corporate america. Running away to join the circus is how it felt.

Now I see corporate America starting to conform to non-conformity. Something I so desperately needed when I was there and was reprimanded and fired when I chose it.

"Is this for real or is it just bullshit?" I asked my friend, hearing the jaded corporate self reappear. My UX design, artist childhood friend whom I've known since Kindergarten said "Its real."

She worked in advertising too and left it as well so I know she had a handle on what I was asking.

I was blown away. People were kind, sharing ideas, and worshiping at the altar of creativity. Started making me think that leaving won't be so hard when the time comes.

There's more out there. And I always thought I could never leave Key West for what it allows me in freedom to feel and the space to create but I see exactly that is awaiting me in a place I never thought I could live up north. And popping up all over the place.

Transformation to say the least.

I'm not saying I'm ready to leave just yet, but am thinking. 

Lots of bumps in the road this past year to start the process. 

The whole condo mess - I'm so thankful that didn't go through. Our restaurant had been turned upside down complete with finding out our beloved owner has stage 4 cancer. He's trying to fight it naturally with low doses of chemo cause he doesn't believe in the health system which I admire. 

Trying marketing again for it to crash and burn again. Finding I love the information architecture and design more than the actual marketing. Looking into a UX design degree or library science possibly to find my old lady desk job when I get tired of the restaurant biz. (and that is quickly approaching)

People are so angry these days. Its funny to watch these elections and hear everyone being horrified by people's behavior. Are you kidding me??

This election has been a long time coming. I see this shit in people everyday waiting on them. And most (not all) have been absolutely horrible this year. Angry, intolerant, intoxicated and what's the word? Oh yeah, Assholes.

Exactly what you're seeing at Trump rallies.

I get it. People are unhappy with their lives. Feeling squeezed and squashed but taking it out on others is not the way. Something I've felt lately a lot in the restaurant gig.

Take some responsibility. Unplug and find out what what makes you tick. That's my suggestion but we live in a society that doesn't want you to do that. The whole advertising industry is built on you not knowing who you are so they can sell products you don't need. 

Booze, pop culture and stupid reality shows are the brain numbing that we choose to escape our own reality show. 

But if the past 11 years have taught me anything its that knowing yourself is quite possibly the most centering, powerful and loving thing you can do.

It has shifted so much for me and yoga has helped cement it which is probably why I'm slightly obsessed with it.

I know that whatever comes my way, I can work with it or at least try. Flexibility in everyday events, that I am reminded by when i move through asanas. We create our own environment and energy with every moment.

I'm seeing Key West disintegrate as I first knew it and it saddens me. Is it the place that's changing or me I wonder? 

I see it being devoured by greed and waves of unconscious people who drink till they release whatever anger or emotion they have in them.

The drinking has been scaring me more these days too. So much that I'm considering attending some Al-Anon meetings to help deal with it.

Everyone feels so out of control, angry and hopeless. 

Especially on my trip back to Key West when I got bumped on a flight. Watched the crowds at both airports just wail on the flight staff. I tried to be a human to the gate people and ask questions instead of get upset. I got a free bottle of wine, a rescheduled flight and my luggage out of being human.

Stayed overnight in Miami only to have slept through my alarm and almost missed my shuttle back to catch my next flight. 

In the rush I left my kindle and some jewelry in the room. Called the hotel immediately to see if they could retrieve it only to be told that housekeeping didn't find anything. 

Had to call the hotel back four times just to find out that someone probably stole and lied about it. Upsetting but I let it go.

Come home and stand in a line with a bunch of complaining tourists to catch a cab. Tried to sleep off the last 24 hours unsuccessfully before work and found my bike had a flat 15 minutes before I had to be there.

Waited on a cab and forgotten for 45 so I could drop off the bike to get fixed enroute to work only to pick it up at 1:00am on bike rack after since I had a paddle board tour the next morning. 

And then waited on all those rabid tourists at work.

That kind of bumpy re-entry hasn't happened since I lived in NYC and it was the moment I knew I was leaving the city.

What helped me release was my yoga practice at the beach, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, pole dancing class with a bachelorette party, reading and painting. I.e, becoming human again with a few days off.

So we'll see... In the meantime, I'll enjoy the ride down here and keep moving.

Mentally, physically, spiritually feeding myself to see where the path will lead. And excited for the possibilities ahead instead of fearing them.

In Search Of...

You know you've lived in Florida a wee bit long when talking with a date about your psychic friends, the online store you're building for one and that seems TOTALLY normal. 

But in the eyes of a man from Connecticut...uh, not so much.

I have to admit as the words were coming out of my mouth I started laughing internally cause it sounds crazy. But that is my life in the keys and I wouldn't change it. Realized just how happy I am with it in that date.

Nice dude but not my jam. Especially when I had to explain that most fisherman wear similar clothing because we have like two stores they can shop at. Oh and instructions on how to access his photos on his new mac.

It was most interesting to see just how long I've lived down here. The differences in the norm so to speak from up north or say outside of Florida. 

Also why people who have constricted views tend to choose vacationing in Key West, I'll never understand. Maybe its their subconscious wanting to drink pina coladas.

Dating a normal man has been the bane of my existence. I keep thinking that I need a normal one. After this recent meeting I have decided to let that drop. 

So I'm throwing myself all in. New dating objective:

In search of stable, active weirdo. Who can laugh and have stimulating intellectual conversations at the drop of a hat. Drunks need not apply.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...

Hello there. Its been a while. How are ya?

A recap of the holidays and new year:

Crazy amounts of people and energy. I never get used to the busiest two weeks of the year down here. And the week after seems to be the worst apparently. 

Physically and mentally exhausted.

People trying desperately to live up to a holiday image that is so unrealistic and not obtainable that insanity ensues. I blame advertising.

Anyhoo, that included a couple crazy weeks. A customer writing on a credit card receipt to my Russian co-worker that Stalin killed over 65,000 people. Oh and p.s. they left a shitty tip. He just thought it was funny.

Working New Years and on the bike ride home getting to see a girl throwing up on a church. Two more blocks down watch a cop eating chicken off his car. Two more blocks down watch a woman try to take her clothes off in the middle of a busy intersection while her friends fought her to put them back on.

A cab finally got around that stripping lady to only encounter another one who turned around in the middle of the street daring the cab to hit her. When it swiftly sped around her, she and her five friends screamed at it. People were off their heads.

As I recounted what I saw to a close friend she responded with "OMG it sounds like you took mushrooms but that's your everyday normal life!!"

So, it took a little time to recover from the holidays. Yes. 

Been building that online store and finding interesting things dealing with  ecommerce and banks. By the way, you should go see the Big Short. Amazing film. 

Made me appreciate all those blazing bank articles my dad was sending me as I was trying to work with a mortgage broker and him telling me they were all crooks. Dad is seriously an eccentric genius. Did you know eccentrics balance the world? They do. Probably why I like living down here.

So something interesting happened last night. Not only did I get to wear my favorite striped knee high socks to work but I met some cool people. 

One older couple who was adorable. When I asked the lady if she wanted another Chardonnay she told me she shouldn't but smiled and said yes with a point in the empty glass. 

So imagine my surprise when her husband ordered a decaf coffee with desert and her response to me asking her if she would like one also:

"No, I don't want to kill my ride" 

Possibly the best answer to would you like a decaf coffee? which prompted me to respond with a strong "you go girl!"

As her husband left, he came up to me - shook my hand and pulled me close to thank me for the great service. Before he left he took my shoulder once more in his shaky old man voice and said "And I like those socks"

Now I know everyone wants to stay young forever but I can't wait to get old so I can be as cool as that couple and say things that will make people do a double take.

Not much later, I had a table of cute guys. One of which who was quite attractive, pulled together and had eyes that felt like they were staring into my soul.

Its not too often I meet a guy/customer that I want to flirt with but when he asked me where he and his friends could go to meet cute girls with cool socks, I quickly responded with "If you wait till 12:30 you might see me at the Parrot". (this was paired with a very nerdy nervous side leg kick)

I couldn't believe I actually said that and even more so meant it. I pulled back cause its kinda creepy to have a waiter hit on you while you're eating. Told them some places they could go have a good time at and left it at that. 

Hell, I was happy I got to converse with a normal cute sober well-mannered man with nice accessories. Its kinda like finding a unicorn pooping rainbows down here. 

Much to my surprise that he came up while I was polishing silverwear to ask for my phone number. He's a charter fisherman from up north down for a few weeks and thought I was cool (even with the dorky leg kick)

I normally don't hand out my number but was like, all right - grabbed a piece of receipt tape and scribbled it down. After he left I got high-fived by my 22 year old busser with a "And that's how its done!" Made me smile. 

Even the busser was surprised by how normal he was. He was dually impressed by the balls on said customer to come up and ask for my number.

Makes me flashback to a time in New York when I was newly out of college and in the working world for the first time. A girl that was on my team set me up with an investment banker. I don't even remember how I knew this girl.

He was nice, wore a suit and took me to Knicks game with seats so close to the floor I could see Spike Lee and Mariah Carey. As we parted, he told me he wanted to see me again and I was unsure with his steadiness. 

Made more unsure when I got an email forwarded to me by the girl who set us up from him and her excitement. He wrote her earnestly how grateful he was for her introducing us, how much he liked me and couldn't wait for us to hang out again.

At the time my 24 year old self was scared shitless and completely turned off by it. How boring! He wants to commit already and thinks I'm great?! NOOOOOOO!

That my dears lead me down a very bumpy road of artists and men who never would value what I had to offer. Probably cause I couldn't see it either.

These days I'm seeing my worth a lot more. Feeling like myself and not fighting with it as much. I even got my haircut like I used to a looooong time ago and swore I'd never go back to that style again. After telling my hairstylist to do it she finished easily and said, "Wow... that cut really suits you"

Yup what is old is new again. Just hoping I get it right this time.

I didn't do the sun salutations this year. Or set up a new intention jar. 

As I opened the one from 2015 and created the piles of what did and didn't happen I looked at it and decided not to make one for 2016. Reason being?

If I speak and do things from my heart, everything will fall into place the way it should. There's no need for a wish list anymore.

That's my 2016 plan and I'm sticking to it. I'll let you know how it goes with the fisherman.