I haven't written for a while mostly cause I had no idea where or how to start. Writing this, I still totally don't have the words for it.
I feel like a whole year's worth of stuff has occurred in the span of about four months and my mind is finally being allowed to catch up to it. It's been a barrage of choices served with a side of rapid change.
A flash from the past conveniently wrapped in present time environments. Some of them were eerily similar to last time they appeared and blew up in my face but this time the results were much different. I had a choice. Continue down the old familiar land mine ridden road or start a new path. It seems like a no-brainer but I've always been of the "pain and suffering route" before accepting true change.
You know what I mean. The pain of months or years doing the same old thing to exhaustion complete with suffering enough to finally try something different. But this time, the pain and suffering came up right away, giving me an opportunity to change. I couldn't do the same old thing anymore. Times had definitely changed as the physical discomfort from just thinking about doing something old and outdated was proof. Usually by accepting my gut decision, the pain instantly disappeared.
It was a final implosion of sorts. Destroying the old to make way for the new.
A close friend told me the only way something transforms is when the situation looks so close to the old memory of it, you relive it for a moment, change direction and then it dissolves. It kinda closes the whole thing out, a "do over" of sorts, finally freeing you from it.
Experiencing these familiar feelings again made me face some old ghosts I thought were long gone. Going through them one by one, I finally feel like I was really able to let them all go.
I was also given the support to have some space and time to focus on what I wanted for myself. Something I haven't really been given in this particular way before.
What I came to realize is I didn't have to go out searching for it, I already have it. It's not just one thing, it's all of them working together which ultimately fuels and feeds me. No more struggling to get there - I'm here. Just be in the moment, enjoying what you do, who you are and the rest will take care if itself.
That's pretty much where I'm at now combined with a little exhaustion. Things had to come to an uncomfortable standstill for me to realize it. As soon as I did, the wheels started turning...again.
Been an interesting few months to say the least.
