Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Skull Love

Don't know why but after a particularly stressful time, I always want to draw skulls. 

This one came out today.

Its usually a sign that I'm coming out of the rough stuff I've been feeling lately. 

Love my skulls.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Poops

I was thinking today how random it must be to have someone searching for information about Key West and find this blog. Especially with what is on it lately.

I can almost hear, "I just want to find out where the nude beaches are, what's all this stuff about chemo??"

Well, that's where I'm at these days. I guess its grief or perhaps a bit of the blues. 

Its had me weepy and delirously goofy to who gives a fuck, irritable and grateful. Mom doesn't have it too bad but its still hard to think about her going through it. And its really hard hearing the suffering in both your parents voices over the phone and feeling a bit helpless to relieve it.

Trying to send good thoughts to her, chat often and keep my head and heart together. Plan a trip back really soon.

Went to yoga today to get my body tuned and opened up. That always works but I settled into some sadness later in the day. It happens and I need to just let it be cause if I stuff it away it does no good. I try to keep remembering that.

Started thinking of my trip to Sedona and the guy who gave me the stone heart on my hike. I remember him telling me when things got tough, to hold it close to my heart to remember that place. 

When he told me that, I knew I would need it someday. I carry it with me always in my bag, its become a security thing I feel better having it around. Today I pulled it out and did what he told me to do.

Its not all bad, it just is. If you are someone I don't know reading this blog, you may want to escape. Either a trip or lifetime away from your worries. Its how a lot of us end up down here. I used to do it a lot. 

But the thing is, your life is you. And you can't escape that. Even when it hurts. 

I will admit it is a lot easier when the sun is shining and the birds are singing. But it can still follow you like a shadow. Something I felt when I got teary on my ride through Old Town today. 

But then there were some things to pull me out of it. Lately its been people. People I wait on, people I work with, people I've shared some good times with and people I don't really know.

Example #1:

My manager at work sending me a literal shit storm of emoticons today after I sent him a text message back containing one steaming poop, an explosion and a monkey covering his nose. I think that sequence hit a nerve.

At work we have all enjoyed the poop icon lately and he sent me a million poops today cause that note I sent him was to rub in the fact that at least once a week someone shits so violently at the restaurant its beyond human comprehension. And its usually right after he cleans the toilet. 

Its hard to feel crappy when someone is sending you a steaming poop with a smile on it. Or when your phone is dinging every minute because he has sent you a million of them.

Example #2:

Saturday night after meeting my sister for a drink we went down to a local bar for her Fireball promotional party night. A shot shindig she had put together for promoting a whisky beverage she reps. A shotski of four came calling around as we laughed while wrangling up takers with Whitney Houston playing in the background. 

Suddenly a drag queen came downstairs to tell us Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys was upstairs and they'd get him to do a Shotski of Fireball.  It's once in a blue moon you see Nick Carter bookended by two drag queens doing a shot of Fireball but those days are pretty sweet. 

Example #3

Or the lady I met when I stopped to pet her mini horse Alfie. She and Alfie had just been kicked out of the Hampton Inn and were looking for a new place to stay. Preferably one that would let him graze.

She said she liked him to sit in her lap. He was a lap horse. The quote of the day came when she mentioned that she was about to cut his balls off and how excited she was cause a farmer told her he'd be more friendly after that.

I think the poop icon wins.

So there have it (thank you Key West). 

Mostly its been people. People I know, people I don't know. People I've had contact me through this blog to share their experiences with it all and its just been the right thing at the right time.

Everyone has their shit but if we can share and reach out, our lives become a little bit easier. Hoping that writing this stuff out helps me along in that process.

In the meantime, I'm gonna go find some more emotioncons.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Hope and Quesadillas

Kinda random. Very cool.

It was a busy night at work and the beginning of it brought a kind visitor. Robin Roberts of Good Morning America. 

If you know anything about her, she has battled breast cancer and has been through another round of  treatment recently.

I wasn't aware of who she was in the beginning. Just thought she was a familiar face I had seen once before. I even mentioned that I recognized her but probably not in the way she thought. 

Later on I knew who she was but left it at that because I just wanted her to enjoy her dinner. 

Apparently all the other diners around her did too cause they asked me excitedly if that was her when she left. 

My mom starts chemo on the 13th and to see someone who has survived and fought cancer including its other fallouts is an inspiration. 

I wanted to say something to you but couldn't. 

I wish you well. I wish you knew how much it meant to see a survivor and also a sign that things will be ok. It means probably more than you'll ever know.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Root Down

I haven't wanted to write much since going home for Mom's surgery. And I really didn't want to write after I found out she still needed to go through chemo. That took a whole day of laying in bed crying. Luckily work pulled me out of it at the end of the day and I just added some more pinkish eye shadow to go with the puffy pink eyes.

Fashion! It goes with sobbing.

So here we are. In a better place after letting it all settle and getting the tears out. And the reaction to all of it all...is nesting. New bedding, new bookshelf, new rugs, new plants. Even considering buying a TV. I've been busy making my house a HOME. Something I realize I haven't really done in years.

Over the last 7 years, anytime I got settled I'd wonder when the rug would be yanked out from under me. So I got comfortable being uncomfortable. My furniture was all collapsible and my packing technique perfected. I refused to have more stuff than my old Jetta could carry. You'd swear I was in the witness protection program. A lot of times I felt I was. 

My mom is great at making a home. Her house is cozy, warm and full of knickknacks that before I thought were a little  excessive but now I see her in all of it. Its what makes a house a home.

The overnight she spent in the hospital I started thinking, if she went away would this stuff be all I'd have of her? It made me burrow down further into the soft colorful comforter I rested in and stare over at the flower smiling back at me on the nightstand. I started to see decades where we wouldn't let dad change anything and it all molting cause we couldn't let mom go. 

So I find it funny that this time around instead of being swept up and out, I'm rooting. Let me tell you its a far better place to be in. 

Cutting plant clippings and bringing them in to recycled jars so there is a friendly face to see. Hanging paintings and realizing they look damn good in a home. Taking on more shifts at the restaurant cause its become more of a family than an episode of the Jerry Springer show. 

That's what's been on my mind.

Home. Finding it in all different places and allowing it to grow.