Root Down

I haven't wanted to write much since going home for Mom's surgery. And I really didn't want to write after I found out she still needed to go through chemo. That took a whole day of laying in bed crying. Luckily work pulled me out of it at the end of the day and I just added some more pinkish eye shadow to go with the puffy pink eyes.

Fashion! It goes with sobbing.

So here we are. In a better place after letting it all settle and getting the tears out. And the reaction to all of it all...is nesting. New bedding, new bookshelf, new rugs, new plants. Even considering buying a TV. I've been busy making my house a HOME. Something I realize I haven't really done in years.

Over the last 7 years, anytime I got settled I'd wonder when the rug would be yanked out from under me. So I got comfortable being uncomfortable. My furniture was all collapsible and my packing technique perfected. I refused to have more stuff than my old Jetta could carry. You'd swear I was in the witness protection program. A lot of times I felt I was. 

My mom is great at making a home. Her house is cozy, warm and full of knickknacks that before I thought were a little  excessive but now I see her in all of it. Its what makes a house a home.

The overnight she spent in the hospital I started thinking, if she went away would this stuff be all I'd have of her? It made me burrow down further into the soft colorful comforter I rested in and stare over at the flower smiling back at me on the nightstand. I started to see decades where we wouldn't let dad change anything and it all molting cause we couldn't let mom go. 

So I find it funny that this time around instead of being swept up and out, I'm rooting. Let me tell you its a far better place to be in. 

Cutting plant clippings and bringing them in to recycled jars so there is a friendly face to see. Hanging paintings and realizing they look damn good in a home. Taking on more shifts at the restaurant cause its become more of a family than an episode of the Jerry Springer show. 

That's what's been on my mind.

Home. Finding it in all different places and allowing it to grow.

Two Chuckles

I had two good chuckles this morning. 

Once when I saw your profession listed in the top 10 professions for psychopaths. And another when just a mere hour later, I was witness to another round of your sketchy behavior. 

My, my, my... you're so friendly when you're alone. Wonder why??? Ah, such is life. 

Learned a lot from my time with you. Biggest thing...I deserve waaaaay better. Always have.

The holidays have passed, thank goodness. What a crazy time down here. Is it wrong to excited when people are bumming cause they have to go back to work?

Busy, wonderful ho ho holidays but afterwards, all I wanted to do was sleep for three days. And pretty much did. Holy. Holiday. Exhaustion. It happens every year always quite a ride.

The dreams have been intense and four-parters. The other night I was swimming with a whale and stepping on shells that began closing up on the bottoms of my feet. I woke up actually feeling lots of little shells tickling me which was crazy.

Then last night was having a vegetarian meal with the lead singer of the Revivalists. Right after, I got chased by people with guns trying to hunt me down. All I woke up thinking was Jeez, that dude really liked capers and lentils. A LOT.

The exhaustion has been worth it and perfect timing to go home later this week. Glad to get out of town but not necessarily under the conditions I'd like. Cancer has reared its ugly head a second time for Mom.

The good news - she has great doctors and health care. Not too many people can claim that these days.

The first time she had breast cancer it was awful. On many fronts, just plain awful. This time around, we go into it with eyes wide open and bringing a sense of humor about it cause doom and gloom does no good for anyone. Can cancer be funny? We shall see.

Optimism, hope and love. That's where I'm trying to stay. The Red Tara mantra will help with that. 

The first time, it was such an implosion that got me to finally make some big changes. No more waiting. Was it any surprise that I had a roller coaster emotion scale after hearing about it? A little.

Buried anger bubbling up, crying, excessive bar crawling and of course good ole denial. Perhaps it was stuff that never got fully processed in the first go round. Perhaps it was stuff I wouldn't let myself feel the last time but will now.

Before she got diagnosed I'd been thinking that time is limited. I need to get home. Guess sometimes you just sense it.

I even picked up a book right after about a lady's solo trek along the Pacific Coast trail. Little did I know that it began with her mother dying of cancer and how her life unraveled afterwards. I booked my ticket by the second slobbery chapter.

The last time this happened it was a big kick in the pants. This time, I'm not sure...but the timing is interesting.

Lately I've been thinking I have more to do outside of Key West but not really sure what. Is my time in Key West limited? Did I just need to come down here to break out of my boxed in life to see that you don't need to live boxed in? Can I take this elsewhere? All things going through my head lately. Probably trying to put off the inevitable, which is sitting in a hospital on Monday morning hoping everything is going to be ok.

But for now - laundry, packing, grocery shopping, 2013 intention setting and possibly a little painting.