This is Love

Saw this couple one day last week on my way back from the store and it made me smile. 

She was riding on the handlebars. Legs swaying back and forth as he steered an S shaped path down the street.

He kissed her neck, her cheeks making her giggle as they happily floated along.

This is love I thought. So nice to see it again.

Two Chuckles

I had two good chuckles this morning. 

Once when I saw your profession listed in the top 10 professions for psychopaths. And another when just a mere hour later, I was witness to another round of your sketchy behavior. 

My, my, my... you're so friendly when you're alone. Wonder why??? Ah, such is life. 

Learned a lot from my time with you. Biggest thing...I deserve waaaaay better. Always have.

The holidays have passed, thank goodness. What a crazy time down here. Is it wrong to excited when people are bumming cause they have to go back to work?

Busy, wonderful ho ho holidays but afterwards, all I wanted to do was sleep for three days. And pretty much did. Holy. Holiday. Exhaustion. It happens every year always quite a ride.

The dreams have been intense and four-parters. The other night I was swimming with a whale and stepping on shells that began closing up on the bottoms of my feet. I woke up actually feeling lots of little shells tickling me which was crazy.

Then last night was having a vegetarian meal with the lead singer of the Revivalists. Right after, I got chased by people with guns trying to hunt me down. All I woke up thinking was Jeez, that dude really liked capers and lentils. A LOT.

The exhaustion has been worth it and perfect timing to go home later this week. Glad to get out of town but not necessarily under the conditions I'd like. Cancer has reared its ugly head a second time for Mom.

The good news - she has great doctors and health care. Not too many people can claim that these days.

The first time she had breast cancer it was awful. On many fronts, just plain awful. This time around, we go into it with eyes wide open and bringing a sense of humor about it cause doom and gloom does no good for anyone. Can cancer be funny? We shall see.

Optimism, hope and love. That's where I'm trying to stay. The Red Tara mantra will help with that. 

The first time, it was such an implosion that got me to finally make some big changes. No more waiting. Was it any surprise that I had a roller coaster emotion scale after hearing about it? A little.

Buried anger bubbling up, crying, excessive bar crawling and of course good ole denial. Perhaps it was stuff that never got fully processed in the first go round. Perhaps it was stuff I wouldn't let myself feel the last time but will now.

Before she got diagnosed I'd been thinking that time is limited. I need to get home. Guess sometimes you just sense it.

I even picked up a book right after about a lady's solo trek along the Pacific Coast trail. Little did I know that it began with her mother dying of cancer and how her life unraveled afterwards. I booked my ticket by the second slobbery chapter.

The last time this happened it was a big kick in the pants. This time, I'm not sure...but the timing is interesting.

Lately I've been thinking I have more to do outside of Key West but not really sure what. Is my time in Key West limited? Did I just need to come down here to break out of my boxed in life to see that you don't need to live boxed in? Can I take this elsewhere? All things going through my head lately. Probably trying to put off the inevitable, which is sitting in a hospital on Monday morning hoping everything is going to be ok.

But for now - laundry, packing, grocery shopping, 2013 intention setting and possibly a little painting.

Arizona! - Sedona

Well, onto the whole reason I looked at going to Arizona in the first place - Sedona. 

I had thought a lot about where to travel this year and couldn't seem to zero in on anything at first. Usually a place lights up for me immediately and this year it just didn't which was very strange. 

I thought about what I enjoyed most about last year's trip to Peru and the places I've really gotten a lot out of. My mind suddenly went to Moray. The energy there just felt so good and I had the most incredible day there.

So I googled a few things mostly similar to Moray and found Sedona. What does Sedona have that is similar to Moray??? 

Energy Vortexes.

First off some brief history. Sedona as a whole is considered a very sacred site by Native Americans a.k.a. Indians. A lot of Hopi and Navajo resided in this region and still do. The tribes considered the area so sacred they didn't live there. It was just a place that they visited to do sacred rituals.

Now continue onto a psychic in the late 1970's who pinpointed areas in Sedona called vortexes. The ones she listed were Cathedral Rock, Bell Rock, Airport Vortex and Boynton Canyon.

The bottom layer of Sedona is said to built over quartz which is a healing rock as it is known to amplify energy and open up spiritual doors.

The gorgeous red rocks have their coloring from iron which once exposed to the elements, turns red. Here's the interesting thing, iron is at the core of the Earth and creates an electromagnetic field around us. It is said that anything that flows is affected by a magnetic current and iron intensifies that current.

So with regards to energy vortexes, I believe its similar to a chakra cleansing, imagine doing a shitload of yoga and the feeling you'd have afterwards. 

We all have energy within us and being around these vortexes, helps the flow move faster. Clears stuck energy and allows new to flow through. There's such a sense of calm to this place and everyone seems so happy its hard not to want to stay in it forever. I had thoughts of it...

When we first went to Bell Rock, it was amazing to see people of all ages climb all over the rocks like ants. Up really high were 60 year olds acting like children. When you got to a spot that had stacked rocks or juniper trees that had twisted branches you knew you were in a vortex area.  

I kept seeing faces in the rock formations. The only other places I've seen that is Peru and Hawaii and they were very special, just like this.

A fun theory is that there's a giant spaceship under Bell Rock and in the 80's people paid $75 a person on a certain solstice day where they thought the rock was going to open up and reveal that spaceship. Looking for a ride to the great beyond Must have been an entertaining night with aliens laughing. 

I visited Bell Rock, Cathedral Rock, Airport Vortex and Boynton Canyon. All had different qualities to them but one thing was for sure, the energy at all places was beautiful. 

I got all that I was looking for and more with Sedona.

And the Bug Love Continues

Found this guy in my house. Got a good pic, sketch, paint and tad dah! 

I seriously have a bug fetish.

(Gots a good set up. happy happy)

Finishing

Spring has sprung and riding around today, I forgot how beautiful Old Town can be. 

Been having some fun finding thrift store frames and figuring out how to repaint them so I can frame some of my pieces in an affordable manner. Framing usually costs an arm and a leg but is such an important part. I've always put it off for some reason. I really like this way of doing it.

Treasure hunting in the Salvation Army has become a rush and I hate to say it but maybe Garage Sale Saturdays might yield more. There's something about looking past the surface ugly to uncover pure gold. Sometimes that in the past has lead me astray but in this case, it's working.

So far so good. Ben Franklin has the mats and glass and I made friends with the resident framer who is also a watercolor artist. He understands the thrift. I need to ask him about where to get my hands on some butchers paper.

But its not just the money. The fun part about this thrifting is coming across wooden frames that have some character. I match up each painting with its framing cohort. The other benefit - bike rides.

While riding and picking up spray paint and other supplies, I get more inspiration. My leaf obsession is ongoing and its perfect that it's going to be the first round that gets framed. Above is a leaf I picked up a couple months ago. I love it.

What a great day off.

Home Sweet Home

Has it already been a year? I've found so much comfort in my home, choosing to spend another year in it was a no-brainer.

Signed a new lease this week for my apartment and while doing so, I realized this will be the first time in six years I haven't moved. Six years... No running or scrambling to find a safe place to be.

Good place to live.

Great places to work - I feel like I have two families.

A place to be inspired and create art.

Its all led me here and today I'm so grateful for it.

So...How was Peru?

"You're so sensitive."

A phrase I've heard many different times in my life when strong feelings arose. It's felt like a flaw and come across as an insult. I've tried to deny it and push it away because its felt more like a curse than a blessing. But it is a blessing.

"How was your trip to Peru?"

A question I've been asked and struggled to put into coherent sentences. I'm still processing what I learned down there. My body has spent the last two weeks trying to catch up to my mind and heart. As such, I've been eating like a ravenous animal and then passing out.

I laugh at this remembering how Tio enjoyed seeing me in this familiar state on one of our excursions in Spain. The infamous "infomercial" trip. He found great pleasure in it.

When I travel I am able to really connect to myself. Part of the reason I love it so much and make it a priority in my life. It opens me up and lets me plug in. This last trip helped me find myself again in so many ways. To finally know that what I am and clarify my intentions which are no mistake.

I got to meet such sensitive beautiful people down there. Instant deep connections with total strangers which felt so right and satisfying. One in particular became a quick friend when he took out his camera in the ride to the compound. We got to talking that day and for some reason, I mentioned something I had been thinking about for weeks. A 4th grade science project I did on solar panels. I built half a house out of cardboard and bendy straws to show how it all worked. I remember not a lot of people being too "wowed" by it but I loved it and desperately wanted a house with one.

My friend's face was shocked. "What? You too?" I asked him. Apparently we had the same ideas and science projects kickin' way back in grade school. I've been obsessed with solar energy since then and so had he. Well, huh, that's kinda kooky and cool.

Another day, after learning some new yoga moves I was just so happy and appreciative to our teacher. A really beautiful, sensitive man who I waited to hug. As we did, I felt my heart reach out to his. To the point of even feeling a little electrical zing. I felt it so strongly and was a little exposed by it. I began to wonder if it was something I imagined. After we broke our embrace, he gave me a knowing glance and a simple but meaningful "thank you" for it.

During this week, we all discussed a lot of things. The big one being why we were here. I had intentions going into this trip and knew what I wanted to work on but the why has never been verbalized. As it came out of my mouth, I realized - this is it.

I can feel a lot. At times, I feel people's pain so strongly, it overwhelms me. I can get lost in other people's suffering and all I want to do is make it stop. For them and for me.

In this feeling, I've tried to help people but always attached to the outcome. I've not been able to let go of the possibility that this is their choice, their chosen pain. It is their process and to let them have it.

I asked my new friend to sit next to me in our second ceremony. As we entered into it, I was frightened and had asked the spirits for what I needed which was calm. They understood and gave it to me. Such a gift.

In that calmness, we began to have a conversation all night. I first spoke to it as a child and then as an adult. I quickly began to understand what has frightened or confused me throughout different points in my life. It showed me how to separate and feel safe.

Voices amplified around me. Calling out my name, calling out in pain. I could do nothing to help but send them love. I did not have to escape, I could be present in it without it consuming me.

At one point, I could feel my friend next to me going into his dark, death place. He was frightened and quickly disappearing in it.

I was conflicted. Do I reach out to help him? Should I let him have his process? The conflict stopped when I felt the strong urge to reach out and grab his arm. We are not supposed to talk in these ceremonies but a scared and tearful "thank you" came out of his mouth when I did.

I grabbed his hand and mentally told him, "You do not have to go to that place. You are not alone. I love you." and after a bit I let go. In that instant, it all became so clear to me. Such a release and relief.

I began sending out love to all my friends on their journey and it felt good. It felt right.

Its been interesting to re-enter from this trip. I see the noise and find myself struggling with going back to that old way but I know the feeling of openness and don't want to deny myself it anymore. Its still all swirling in my head. This is the only part of it I felt needed to be explained.

How was my trip to Peru?

Beautiful and perfect in so many ways.

This is what I remember

This is who I am.

And the wanderlust grows...

As the work slows down the wanderlust cranks up. Been looking through my hard drive for photos and came across some old pics. My trip to Spain was a year ago this month and just looking at them is getting me all amped up for the upcoming trip to Colorado.

I was so antsy yesterday I had to drive up the keys just to quiet my thirst for movement. Caught an amazing sunset over the keys in doing so. Something that always kicks in before a trip begins is how happy I feel to come back home. It's never disappointing to come back because I love it here too. One of the best decisions I ever made was to come to Key West.

As I was searching through my photos I also got a glimpse of what the last four years down here have been. Different jobs, homes, friends, people, experiences.

Taking pictures for me is like making a diary and it's these times I get a chance to really see what's been created. I'm amazed and appreciative to have such a good life. Much has changed in the last four years and it's not over by a long shot.

Alrighty, back to the task at hand...

Taking the Path

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you love to do, in order to have what you want." -- Margaret Young

Full moon madness. It's really intense down here and got me thinking the past few days. Well actually not thinking as much as doing. 

I got the strong urge to finish out things I had been putting on the backburner. It was so strong I couldn't do anything but and had to see it through. A finishing touch on the magical 2008. Things that included sending a much needed care package to my relatives in Spain to say hello and thanks for the trip of a lifetime. Is sending a 92 year old salt water taffy wrong? 

The other I have been putting off in anxiety and just plain old stubborn habit. I took three of my paintings in to Stone Soup gallery to get framed so I could hang them for sale at a local gallery. I gave every excuse not to take them in - money, time, exhaustion - but ultimately it's fear. As soon as I saw it, I recognized it. I had taken this path before and I didn't want it anymore.

A bunch of really interesting things have been sprouting up to show me the path I've created this last year. One that truly speaks to who I am and I have been forever grateful for it, bumpy road and all. Had my past show up before the year's end and I got a good look back at what I was when I was denying what I really wanted. It was an eye opener. 

Choices made that didn't speak to who I truly was and the results weren't pretty. It usually ended up in some demolition of my life to nudge me in the right direction when I begun the process to start over yet again. 

2008 began with a simple statement after another tough readjustment: "2008 is going to be my year." Boy was it. 

Once that statement was uttered, it began to lead me in so many directions that I felt like I had won the lottery. All it took was allowing the real me to start coming through. I've spent plenty of years trying to figure out who that was but it's always been there ever since the beginning and I just had to accept what I am - an artist. 

My grandmother had been such an influence in my life right from the start when she gave me a brush, a piece of paper and the invitation to join her in creating. We'd study things in her backyard and make from what we saw. She was simply magical. 

I'd constantly show her things I was doing and we'd examine it together. It happened all the way up through college until she died. One of the hardest things I had to go through and it affected my life in many different ways. I just couldn't cope with her death and the loss of my creative inspiration for she was who I thought of every time I drew. 

So I ran. Let my rational mind make up excuses like you can't make a living at this and a career in advertising was born. Still wanting to be a part of something artistic, I wound up doing something that was creative but chose the least creative part of it, the business side. Torturous, I can now see after one conversation with some artist friends about changing a piece of art in order to sell it to someone. I went off. 

A really strong emotion came up for me and I said it was compromising the artist's voice and tried to explain how horrible that is even for a small change. Still arguing with the nice gentleman who couldn't understand what I was saying since the goal he thought was to sell something, right? I tried to explain that I saw it daily in advertising and it used to get me really upset. 

We'd go off create something amazing and give it to the client who would pick things apart one by one. Make little changes until you didn't recognize it anymore and eventually thought it was a piece of crap. I continued to argue with the man: "Once you let someone change that, your vision,  you lose your sense of self and it's a hard way back."

A light bulb went on. Wow. 

One thing I realized was that I was a really bad advertising executive. The other is I was an artist all along, I just didn't want to see it. 

I used to argue with my clients all the time when they changed things - I fucking hated it. Not a good career move when you're an ad exec but really good when you're an artist. 

I realized the detour I took gave me conviction which I am now harnessing to put my works out there and not worry who thinks what about it. I like it. It's what I see. It's what I feel and that's all that matters. 

In finally accepting my path, I have chosen places and people that ultimately support me. I realize that the energy and love you put out is equal to what you get back. I love the places I work at. Whom I work for and with - all which feeds me and in turn feeds my art. Things can still be challenging but it's much easier when its in tune with what you care deeply about. Something I ponder as 2009 begins. 

I asked my co-workers what they thought 2009 would have in store for them. Most didn't know yet, hadn't really thought about it, something that happens when your daily life kicks in. 

Last night at work the guys asked me what I had been doing. I guess I had a look, a smell or something - they liked it. I shrugged as I said I didn't really know until I thought of it this morning. I just bought a travel book for my next trip - Australia. I read a bit on the pier before work last night and got really excited about all of the things I started seeing. The possibilities for the next adventure. What I saw really resonated with me and is probably the reason I started hearing Australia just as I was wrapping up Spain.

I've had a past co-worker say exactly the same thing to me once - that I looked different. That was the day I started drawing again. I guess I had a glow. Something that happens when you do what you love and let yourself shine through. 

So bring it on 2009. 

I gave my statement for what this year will be for me and got goosebumps the moment it came out of my mouth. 

Merry Christmas, Y'all!

Merry Xmas, Y'ALL!!

We're all dealing with snow this holiday season. Some is just tastier than others.

Peace, Love and Happiness to All...