The Nature of Nurture

As a part of the service industry down here, you are constantly taking care of people. Some days, its pretty damn easy and others not so much. 

After a full week of work, I tend to get sick of hearing my own voice asking people what they need or how I can help them cause lately it never seems to be enough. It can be exhausting at times to think of everyone except yourself.

On my days off I treasure the time I get to take care of me. If I start to get cranky or snarky I have to look at what I'm not giving myself and resolve it quickly. 

I guess that's the perk of dealing with toxic tourists who are perpetually unhappy with themselves and blame everything around them for it. 

If I ever start to become that, someone please shoot me.

On my days off, I can go a whole 24 hours not talking to a soul and be totally content. I make sure to spend those off days doing whatever it is that is going to make myself happy be it painting; riding my bike to glimpse the light at different times of the day or just eating a friggin' doughnut. 

It doesn't have to be monumental.

Bottom line is if we can't make ourselves happy, no one else is going to do it for us. People come down here and spend their one week off trying to get happy. It still surprises me that for a select few, they absolutely cannot do it. No matter how much help they get from others. 

These toxic tourists are land mines and its sometimes hard not to let them get to you. I'm sure you have people in your life like this as well. Its like a hole that keeps getting deeper no matter how quickly you try to fill it.

Last night I had two people that I had the good fortune of getting released from after I couldn't give them what they wanted. At first it annoyed me for a minute but then I was happy about it. 


Funny how they gave me exactly what I wanted most, which was to get rid of them and their ridiculous behavior. 

My other customers nearby were extra kind and complimentary especially after seeing the toddler tantrum my twosome were throwing, which I greatly appreciated. 

It's like murphy's law for these particular toxic tourists, whatever they need they can never ever get. Which mostly is to solve the unhappiness with themselves whatever that may be at the moment.


You can feel the trainwreck about to happen from a mile away and the best thing is to try to disengage knowing that they are getting it. It being the lesson they have not learnt yet and believe me it's a painful lesson for ALL of us.

Most visitors always ask how we locals ended up here, chucking "normal life" in order to have what looks like a non-stop vacation.

My answer to that is this:

A) Reality is how you perceive it. If you are in a hell of your own making, not even living in a tropical paradise will make you happy. You may even begin to see palm trees as pitchforks from Satan.

and 

B) If you just clarify what you need and take care of it yourself, you could be happy anywhere.

Now, time to go eat a doughnut.

Leaf Blobs

I could paint leaf blobs all day. 

It's what I always come back to. It makes me extremely happy. All the things that I have painted before look too tight to me right now. Too restricted.

I just want it to be messy. Bleed out and not make sense. Blend and bleed. No more thinking.  

Pee esS...: 

(The Mazzy Star station on Pandora is awesome.)

So...How was Peru?

"You're so sensitive."

A phrase I've heard many different times in my life when strong feelings arose. It's felt like a flaw and come across as an insult. I've tried to deny it and push it away because its felt more like a curse than a blessing. But it is a blessing.

"How was your trip to Peru?"

A question I've been asked and struggled to put into coherent sentences. I'm still processing what I learned down there. My body has spent the last two weeks trying to catch up to my mind and heart. As such, I've been eating like a ravenous animal and then passing out.

I laugh at this remembering how Tio enjoyed seeing me in this familiar state on one of our excursions in Spain. The infamous "infomercial" trip. He found great pleasure in it.

When I travel I am able to really connect to myself. Part of the reason I love it so much and make it a priority in my life. It opens me up and lets me plug in. This last trip helped me find myself again in so many ways. To finally know that what I am and clarify my intentions which are no mistake.

I got to meet such sensitive beautiful people down there. Instant deep connections with total strangers which felt so right and satisfying. One in particular became a quick friend when he took out his camera in the ride to the compound. We got to talking that day and for some reason, I mentioned something I had been thinking about for weeks. A 4th grade science project I did on solar panels. I built half a house out of cardboard and bendy straws to show how it all worked. I remember not a lot of people being too "wowed" by it but I loved it and desperately wanted a house with one.

My friend's face was shocked. "What? You too?" I asked him. Apparently we had the same ideas and science projects kickin' way back in grade school. I've been obsessed with solar energy since then and so had he. Well, huh, that's kinda kooky and cool.

Another day, after learning some new yoga moves I was just so happy and appreciative to our teacher. A really beautiful, sensitive man who I waited to hug. As we did, I felt my heart reach out to his. To the point of even feeling a little electrical zing. I felt it so strongly and was a little exposed by it. I began to wonder if it was something I imagined. After we broke our embrace, he gave me a knowing glance and a simple but meaningful "thank you" for it.

During this week, we all discussed a lot of things. The big one being why we were here. I had intentions going into this trip and knew what I wanted to work on but the why has never been verbalized. As it came out of my mouth, I realized - this is it.

I can feel a lot. At times, I feel people's pain so strongly, it overwhelms me. I can get lost in other people's suffering and all I want to do is make it stop. For them and for me.

In this feeling, I've tried to help people but always attached to the outcome. I've not been able to let go of the possibility that this is their choice, their chosen pain. It is their process and to let them have it.

I asked my new friend to sit next to me in our second ceremony. As we entered into it, I was frightened and had asked the spirits for what I needed which was calm. They understood and gave it to me. Such a gift.

In that calmness, we began to have a conversation all night. I first spoke to it as a child and then as an adult. I quickly began to understand what has frightened or confused me throughout different points in my life. It showed me how to separate and feel safe.

Voices amplified around me. Calling out my name, calling out in pain. I could do nothing to help but send them love. I did not have to escape, I could be present in it without it consuming me.

At one point, I could feel my friend next to me going into his dark, death place. He was frightened and quickly disappearing in it.

I was conflicted. Do I reach out to help him? Should I let him have his process? The conflict stopped when I felt the strong urge to reach out and grab his arm. We are not supposed to talk in these ceremonies but a scared and tearful "thank you" came out of his mouth when I did.

I grabbed his hand and mentally told him, "You do not have to go to that place. You are not alone. I love you." and after a bit I let go. In that instant, it all became so clear to me. Such a release and relief.

I began sending out love to all my friends on their journey and it felt good. It felt right.

Its been interesting to re-enter from this trip. I see the noise and find myself struggling with going back to that old way but I know the feeling of openness and don't want to deny myself it anymore. Its still all swirling in my head. This is the only part of it I felt needed to be explained.

How was my trip to Peru?

Beautiful and perfect in so many ways.

Happy

And tired. Holy bejezus, season has officially kicked in.

This past week, got some major water time including a tour with a charter group. When I asked them what they were down here for I found out that they were here for an Anesthesiologists convention. "Oh, so you put people to sleep!" I quickly commented. "No we wake them up!" they corrected.

That should have been my first clue that this tour would not be my normal cruise shipper tour. One lady kept asking all kinds of crazy questions and when she started asking about the possibility of Native Americans living in the mangrove trees. I asked her "You mean like Indians?". I decided this wasn't going to get any better so I started pulling all kinds of bullshit out and you know what? It's not easy to bullshit facts with a lot of doctors who wake people up. It is entertaining though.

My co-guide had a look of shock on her face as I described things left and right. At one point I yelled out "Go Seminoles!" to divert more Indian questions. They were a nice group and several came up to congratulate me on surviving the tour.

Oh Otis, how I love thee. I am currently enjoying the Otis Redding channel on Pandora. We listen to a wide range of music at the restaurant but I really love it when Otis starts playing. It speaks to me.

Gotta love a play set with some soul along with Lionel Ritchie and the Johnny Cash live San Quentin prison album. Otis has been a shining star but this week he was slightly eclipsed when I got to try an egg custard ice cream with bacon that Jose made for a special. Holy crap, is bacon ice cream the shit.

Seriously thinking of putting the beast down. I realize I've become quite attached to my car. Although it may not be pretty and is pretty much held together by rust, that thing has gotten me out of a lot of jams in my life.

I know I've been prolonging the inevitable in giving it up especially since I really no longer use it except for a weekly grocery run. Heads turn and everybody clears out of our way as it squeals mercilessly into the parking lot.

But something just won't let me trash it. So many road trips, moves, escapes. Good lord, I love that damn thing. It's helped me run away at several key times in my life. Always been there for me, like a friggin' safety valve.

As it sits in the road, melting away I know it's time has come. It's one more thing from my old life to go.

I thought about it hard today and realized this great thought...I don't need to run anymore. That in itself is the biggest gift I could give to my beast of a car.

Will probably make my mechanic laugh when I bring it in one last time for the final prognosis but gotta do it. I've got to give it one last chance to survive before I put it down. It's the least I can do since its done exactly that for me these past years.

Left Brain / Right Brain

A Midsummer's Night Dream

Cricket went to the hula hoop booth and made a few. We tested them out and then pulled people passing by to try them out too. There's no way to look sad in a hula hoop.