Taking the Path

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you love to do, in order to have what you want." -- Margaret Young

Full moon madness. It's really intense down here and got me thinking the past few days. Well actually not thinking as much as doing. 

I got the strong urge to finish out things I had been putting on the backburner. It was so strong I couldn't do anything but and had to see it through. A finishing touch on the magical 2008. Things that included sending a much needed care package to my relatives in Spain to say hello and thanks for the trip of a lifetime. Is sending a 92 year old salt water taffy wrong? 

The other I have been putting off in anxiety and just plain old stubborn habit. I took three of my paintings in to Stone Soup gallery to get framed so I could hang them for sale at a local gallery. I gave every excuse not to take them in - money, time, exhaustion - but ultimately it's fear. As soon as I saw it, I recognized it. I had taken this path before and I didn't want it anymore.

A bunch of really interesting things have been sprouting up to show me the path I've created this last year. One that truly speaks to who I am and I have been forever grateful for it, bumpy road and all. Had my past show up before the year's end and I got a good look back at what I was when I was denying what I really wanted. It was an eye opener. 

Choices made that didn't speak to who I truly was and the results weren't pretty. It usually ended up in some demolition of my life to nudge me in the right direction when I begun the process to start over yet again. 

2008 began with a simple statement after another tough readjustment: "2008 is going to be my year." Boy was it. 

Once that statement was uttered, it began to lead me in so many directions that I felt like I had won the lottery. All it took was allowing the real me to start coming through. I've spent plenty of years trying to figure out who that was but it's always been there ever since the beginning and I just had to accept what I am - an artist. 

My grandmother had been such an influence in my life right from the start when she gave me a brush, a piece of paper and the invitation to join her in creating. We'd study things in her backyard and make from what we saw. She was simply magical. 

I'd constantly show her things I was doing and we'd examine it together. It happened all the way up through college until she died. One of the hardest things I had to go through and it affected my life in many different ways. I just couldn't cope with her death and the loss of my creative inspiration for she was who I thought of every time I drew. 

So I ran. Let my rational mind make up excuses like you can't make a living at this and a career in advertising was born. Still wanting to be a part of something artistic, I wound up doing something that was creative but chose the least creative part of it, the business side. Torturous, I can now see after one conversation with some artist friends about changing a piece of art in order to sell it to someone. I went off. 

A really strong emotion came up for me and I said it was compromising the artist's voice and tried to explain how horrible that is even for a small change. Still arguing with the nice gentleman who couldn't understand what I was saying since the goal he thought was to sell something, right? I tried to explain that I saw it daily in advertising and it used to get me really upset. 

We'd go off create something amazing and give it to the client who would pick things apart one by one. Make little changes until you didn't recognize it anymore and eventually thought it was a piece of crap. I continued to argue with the man: "Once you let someone change that, your vision,  you lose your sense of self and it's a hard way back."

A light bulb went on. Wow. 

One thing I realized was that I was a really bad advertising executive. The other is I was an artist all along, I just didn't want to see it. 

I used to argue with my clients all the time when they changed things - I fucking hated it. Not a good career move when you're an ad exec but really good when you're an artist. 

I realized the detour I took gave me conviction which I am now harnessing to put my works out there and not worry who thinks what about it. I like it. It's what I see. It's what I feel and that's all that matters. 

In finally accepting my path, I have chosen places and people that ultimately support me. I realize that the energy and love you put out is equal to what you get back. I love the places I work at. Whom I work for and with - all which feeds me and in turn feeds my art. Things can still be challenging but it's much easier when its in tune with what you care deeply about. Something I ponder as 2009 begins. 

I asked my co-workers what they thought 2009 would have in store for them. Most didn't know yet, hadn't really thought about it, something that happens when your daily life kicks in. 

Last night at work the guys asked me what I had been doing. I guess I had a look, a smell or something - they liked it. I shrugged as I said I didn't really know until I thought of it this morning. I just bought a travel book for my next trip - Australia. I read a bit on the pier before work last night and got really excited about all of the things I started seeing. The possibilities for the next adventure. What I saw really resonated with me and is probably the reason I started hearing Australia just as I was wrapping up Spain.

I've had a past co-worker say exactly the same thing to me once - that I looked different. That was the day I started drawing again. I guess I had a glow. Something that happens when you do what you love and let yourself shine through. 

So bring it on 2009. 

I gave my statement for what this year will be for me and got goosebumps the moment it came out of my mouth.