Death

Friday morning I had a kayak tour of 24. Friday night I waited on 70 people. 

Woke up early to meet a friend for a birthday breakfast. And wandered around town.

Next day, a wall of flu. 

I just got a following on Instagram by a cemetery which is right on par cause I feel like death.

Oh well, at least I get another day off. 

Drinking a whole container of Oj wondering if spring break is over yet.

And just like that...

Two days ago I felt like I was in a hole. A depression I haven't felt in a long long time.

Yesterday I picked up a crystal that made me feel weird in a good way. I promptly paid for it and headed home.

Today, I had a standing morning coffee and donut date with my spirit animal that was totally what I needed. Artist Yogi extraordinaire who is a great mentor as well as friend.

A gentle nudge from two friends in two days to start letting go of the restaurant work so I can let something new in. Knowing they are right but not sure how without totally freaking out.

Didn't realize how much of a machine I've been working in until now and how much I've been resisting letting it go since its been the only thing I've known for work these past years. All the resistance and depression is how I know its not working anymore.

Time to start living the art/travel life in the foreground like I've been talking about since I moved down. And that means letting go of what I know. Trusting and creating space for something new to develop.

And boom. An offer to help create a mural at the Wynwood walls pops up from my spirit animal. She's never done something like this before and I immediately offer my assistance cause I wanna learn (and have some fun in Miami)

I just might need to give up a shift at the restaurant for a bit to go up each weekend for the next month. Uh, yes please.

New tricks. New exploration. Inspiration. Less restaurant.

"We're gonna Thelma and Louise the shit out of this!" was my comment when she excitedly accepted my offer. 

And a counter offer that we could possibly tap each others talents to expand and sell our wares. 

New art fix. New experience. Travel. Yes, yes, and YES.

And maybe I'll buy a car up up there too.

So excited! Happy Lunar Eclipse Ya'll!

Be the Change

Be the change you want to see in the world

Haven't had too much to say lately. Mostly been thinking about things and trying to feel it out. When that happens... I get quiet.

Went home for a long overdue vacation and to see the parental units. Dad's been having some health issues and of course refuses to wear his doctor ordered monitor so they can figure it out.

When I go away, I delight in all the cultural, physical, and food options that don't exist in Key West. Not to mention a bit of shopping as well. 

When my life was in a serious nose dive years ago, I moved to Key West. I was so sick of not fitting into the boxes that defined success "relationship, home, job, etc". They were not making me happy and even in my distraught state, I yearned to be free. 

So I dropped out. Hence the residence in Key West.

No more relationship, no more home, no more cubicle.

That drop out allowed me to heal, think, feel, and find my bearings. Do you allow yourself time to feel? Do you allow yourself the space to see? 

I finally saw what I'd been given on this recent trip home and what might be awaiting me if I ever decide to leave this island. Which is what I find myself increasingly thinking of.

What it gave me. 

The space and community to discover who I was and what I want. Something I will forever be grateful for. 

Places I travel to usually involve a sense of seclusion (i.e., Bali, the desert, Peru, Spain (communication seclusion) Removing yourself from all the noise and distraction is a powerful tool. 

You begin to realize you don't need a lot to be happy. I definitely see this in third world countries and am amazed at how unhappy everyone seems to be in the States.

We accumulate things to make ourselves feel whole. People, jobs, cars, homes. They never really do the job. We need to find ourselves in order to find what truly makes us happy. Limiting your accumulations can help you discover that. Doing something that totally scares you can launch a new life.

I'm watching a couple of friends go through the engagement/relationship portions of their lives. In between pole dancing class.

I see the confusion of wanting to do the benchmark life event but not really sure of what it means. Just knowing that this is what you're supposed to do. This is the goal, without knowing if you really want it but the train is going full speed ahead.

I don't miss that question mark. In fact I'm relieved to have experienced it and know I don't need it to be happy.

Would I like a partner in crime to enjoy all of life's offerings? 
Of course, but I don't need to be married to him to cement my place in the world. I kinda like being fluid, in the moment and need someone to match that for it to work.

Always thought it was the opposite but see why it hasn't worked in the past. Must be why I finally brought home an art piece made by a guy I almost married. 

Had saved it for a long time in the basement of my parent's house. I really did love it but couldn't get past seeing him and the pain in it. 

Did not want him in my space so it sat covered up for years until I uncovered it every once in a while to decide if it was time to bring it in. 

You might think 11 years is a long time to decide but that's how long it took for me to finally see me in that piece. Funny cause its a giant lighted P with a dragonfly (one of my favorite spirit creatures). You'd think that wouldn't be so hard. 

Healing comes in waves with a lot of setbacks. I finally feel like that nose dive time is behind me. Especially when I come home at night and light the P. 

And it truly is complete with a set of anchoring tools to help me find my center if I start to nose dive again.

In St. Louis a friend took me to venture cafe. A place where a panel of speakers from the community talk to an audience of working collaborators. Young tech people enjoying free craft beer and eats watching as a panel of chef's talk about the up and coming food community in St. Louis. Wha????

Never in a million years would I expect to see this kind of creativity and collaboration in of all places - St. Louis. The food scene there blows doors off Key West mostly cause its so much cheaper to operate. But the creativity...

I miss that in Key West.

The whole reason I wanted to live here was the creativity. A bunch of outlaw people living life outside the box. It was an intoxicating mix coming from corporate america. Running away to join the circus is how it felt.

Now I see corporate America starting to conform to non-conformity. Something I so desperately needed when I was there and was reprimanded and fired when I chose it.

"Is this for real or is it just bullshit?" I asked my friend, hearing the jaded corporate self reappear. My UX design, artist childhood friend whom I've known since Kindergarten said "Its real."

She worked in advertising too and left it as well so I know she had a handle on what I was asking.

I was blown away. People were kind, sharing ideas, and worshiping at the altar of creativity. Started making me think that leaving won't be so hard when the time comes.

There's more out there. And I always thought I could never leave Key West for what it allows me in freedom to feel and the space to create but I see exactly that is awaiting me in a place I never thought I could live up north. And popping up all over the place.

Transformation to say the least.

I'm not saying I'm ready to leave just yet, but am thinking. 

Lots of bumps in the road this past year to start the process. 

The whole condo mess - I'm so thankful that didn't go through. Our restaurant had been turned upside down complete with finding out our beloved owner has stage 4 cancer. He's trying to fight it naturally with low doses of chemo cause he doesn't believe in the health system which I admire. 

Trying marketing again for it to crash and burn again. Finding I love the information architecture and design more than the actual marketing. Looking into a UX design degree or library science possibly to find my old lady desk job when I get tired of the restaurant biz. (and that is quickly approaching)

People are so angry these days. Its funny to watch these elections and hear everyone being horrified by people's behavior. Are you kidding me??

This election has been a long time coming. I see this shit in people everyday waiting on them. And most (not all) have been absolutely horrible this year. Angry, intolerant, intoxicated and what's the word? Oh yeah, Assholes.

Exactly what you're seeing at Trump rallies.

I get it. People are unhappy with their lives. Feeling squeezed and squashed but taking it out on others is not the way. Something I've felt lately a lot in the restaurant gig.

Take some responsibility. Unplug and find out what what makes you tick. That's my suggestion but we live in a society that doesn't want you to do that. The whole advertising industry is built on you not knowing who you are so they can sell products you don't need. 

Booze, pop culture and stupid reality shows are the brain numbing that we choose to escape our own reality show. 

But if the past 11 years have taught me anything its that knowing yourself is quite possibly the most centering, powerful and loving thing you can do.

It has shifted so much for me and yoga has helped cement it which is probably why I'm slightly obsessed with it.

I know that whatever comes my way, I can work with it or at least try. Flexibility in everyday events, that I am reminded by when i move through asanas. We create our own environment and energy with every moment.

I'm seeing Key West disintegrate as I first knew it and it saddens me. Is it the place that's changing or me I wonder? 

I see it being devoured by greed and waves of unconscious people who drink till they release whatever anger or emotion they have in them.

The drinking has been scaring me more these days too. So much that I'm considering attending some Al-Anon meetings to help deal with it.

Everyone feels so out of control, angry and hopeless. 

Especially on my trip back to Key West when I got bumped on a flight. Watched the crowds at both airports just wail on the flight staff. I tried to be a human to the gate people and ask questions instead of get upset. I got a free bottle of wine, a rescheduled flight and my luggage out of being human.

Stayed overnight in Miami only to have slept through my alarm and almost missed my shuttle back to catch my next flight. 

In the rush I left my kindle and some jewelry in the room. Called the hotel immediately to see if they could retrieve it only to be told that housekeeping didn't find anything. 

Had to call the hotel back four times just to find out that someone probably stole and lied about it. Upsetting but I let it go.

Come home and stand in a line with a bunch of complaining tourists to catch a cab. Tried to sleep off the last 24 hours unsuccessfully before work and found my bike had a flat 15 minutes before I had to be there.

Waited on a cab and forgotten for 45 so I could drop off the bike to get fixed enroute to work only to pick it up at 1:00am on bike rack after since I had a paddle board tour the next morning. 

And then waited on all those rabid tourists at work.

That kind of bumpy re-entry hasn't happened since I lived in NYC and it was the moment I knew I was leaving the city.

What helped me release was my yoga practice at the beach, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, pole dancing class with a bachelorette party, reading and painting. I.e, becoming human again with a few days off.

So we'll see... In the meantime, I'll enjoy the ride down here and keep moving.

Mentally, physically, spiritually feeding myself to see where the path will lead. And excited for the possibilities ahead instead of fearing them.