Are you a Yogi?

"Would you like to teach yoga class?" the yoga studio owner asked me.

I opened my eyes and looked up from my heavy breathing to say "Who me???" Like who else would she be speaking to when she's leaning over me pushing my thighs into my stretch a little further?

"Um, I don't know?"

"You look like a yogi. You feel like a yogi to me."

Could it be that coming everyday to class makes you a yogi? I've become a regular fixture at the studio and feel off if I don't spend my mornings bending myself into a pretzel and sweating trying to remember to stack my hips in downward facing scorpion.

"I love it." is all I could say wondering if I could teach. 

I can't bend all the ways I want to but I do know I absolutely feel like myself more and more every time I "hit the mat". Splurged this month on a good mat and recycled fish food yoga mat bag that I absolutely love.

Options...And just like my practice, things keep opening up.

Yoga practice is my meditation and for now it helped erase a guy getting in my face and yelling at me last night about how he couldn't get happy hour because our clocks were set two minutes fast. 

A reminder..

It has been a difficult week or so. Lots of feelings - some good. some not so good. and lots of random moments.

Was feeling a bit blue yesterday. My sister was leaving town for good and I have a feeling she's not coming back. She was the one who got me down here and we had never lived in the same city after growing up until Key West. 

In the beginning, I was living with her and my cousin and they showed me the ropes. Now they are both gone and I'm still here. Felt like the end of an era.

As I was contemplating that and wondering what was next, I prepared to cross White Street and up to my daily pre-work stop to get a cafe con leche. I spotted a photographer set up right outside Sandy's.

Huh, Sandy's is doing a commercial? Cool.

Nope.

I rode up and parked next to him in my usual spot to grab coffee when he said excitedly "Wow, this is great! I was going to flag you down but you just came right over!"

He then told me his name and that he was photographing locals for a book he plans to do about Key West. He lived in Manhattan and Helsinki. Oh and partially down here too. "Would you mind if I take your picture?"

"Um, sure." I said with a grin telling him I am not the best picture taker. 

Its not totally that, its I just don't feel too comfortable in front of the camera. Or always like to be seen but I've been working on that. So what a random opportunity to work on it 15 minutes before work when I'm feeling a little lost and emotional.

We get started, he gives me direction. 

Turn your head right. Chin down. Relax your mouth. I'm trying to focus on something behind him to calm myself but the only thing I can see are swirling cars and people. Including a guy drinking coffee, sitting on a scooter watching me and chiming in on what I should be doing too. 

He was also following the photographers instructions for me even though he was standing behind him.

Posed pics have never been my forte. In between instruction I have my usual nervous fits of laugher, jumping around to help loosen me up and I follow it up with breathing heavy to relax into it more.

"Do you do yoga? That sounds like yoga breathing." the photog asks.

"Why yes. Right down the street actually." I responded happily thinking of my class earlier this morning.

Snap. Snap. Snap. "Ok, I think I've got it."

We start to chatting and swap business cards. I give him one of mine as he tells me to friend him on facebook. He's setting up places all over town and I give him some suggestions on where to get some gritty photos. Don's Place would be a goldmine and I give him directions. He liked that.

Fill out and sign a release form. I check the time and yell "Oh crap! I gotta get my coffee and go to work"

As I get ready to go he mentions that Key West is such a special place. He could never do something like this in Helsinki. The reason he's doing this project is to show what kind of community exists down here. Its something rare to be found in the world these days.

I couldn't agree more. And one cafe con leche later, it was just the reminder I needed.

Thanks Key West and Curt Richter...

Whatever happened to coffee?

Post work Green Parrot drink with Monica and the second time in about a week some guy has asked me to take him home and have sex with him. 

This time it was a robot salesman who I got to do a robot dance. This will be a new accomplishment section on my resume. I mean how many times do you get to see a robot salesman do the robot?

He started telling me about how he sells and trains surgeons on these specialized robots for surgery.

"Oh the DaVinci?" I asked.

He looked shocked that I knew what it was but even more shocked that I pulled out my robot moves when he first came over and introduced himself to me. He wanted to know just how I knew he sold robots. 

I didn't.  I just like to do this one weird dance move from the 80's to freak guys out and give myself a good laugh while watching them try and figure out if I'm just that cool or retarded. (Its the little things in life that make me happy)

I told him my mother had been operated on with such a robot. He then asked how her hysterectomy went and we proceeded to discuss her operation and recovery.

Strange how small this world is and even stranger how a conversation about lymph nodes and swelling eventually leads into him asking "how bout you take me home and fuck my brains out?" 

Um, no thanks. Whatever happened to would you like to get a cup of coffee sometime? 

November swims are lovely.

Well hello, Officer...Is there a problem?

I'm speeding down a highway to a place I can't find.

This my friends is the quote to sum up 2013. Its also how I started the description of a recent trip to the southwest. A wonderful road trip planned to see some of our wondrous national parks. 

Except they were closed. DOH!

Still it was a great trip and much needed after this year. The first day was a bit bumpy as per the above visit from a Utah Highway Patrolman. I was staring at a map driving desperately trying to find a place I wanted to visit. I was so determined to find it I took my eyes off what was in front of me and immediately got pulled over.

Ironically, I had been driving like a grandma the whole time before that cautious to not overspeed cause it appears once every 6 months or so when I drive, this happens. I had been waiting for my previous faux pas combining two needs, peeing and coffee, into one illegal U-turn on US1 to fall off my record. Instead it grows...

But I digress. In a strange way the Utah pullover broke my mounting frustrations and I finally gave in. No more comparisons to how easy it was last year. Giving up on finding the elusive trail head and to top it off giving the keys over to my ADD friend who I thought would get us in an accident, so she could drive. Nope no more control, I'm just gonna sit back and let whatever happens happen.

And as soon as I did that the whole trip changed. Fun little side jaunts, nice people to talk to who were in the same predicament and sharing alternative vistas to visit. I even met a cool one-eyed dog. It was great. 

There has been this theme for me for the last year and maybe even the past 8 years I've been trying to shake. I finally realized it on a hike we took off one of the highways in a red rock area that reminded me of a lot Sedona. 

As I started talking to my friend, I told her how I'd been beating myself up about that ticket and how frustrated I was by the whole situation. And the fact that we couldn't do what I had so expertly planned for us to do for this entire trip. I'm so sick of the stop start stop start thing going on in my life, I exhaustedly said.  When I backed up a bit I could see there was a thread to that frustration and that is this:

I start to see a pathway to what I want and sometimes try to push faster through to get it. In the midst of that pushing I get sidetracked or hijacked and the frustration builds in me not meeting my intended destination. 

But I am always on that destination path. And whenever I seem to veer off of it or lose sight, I have one of these blocks to slow me down and reroute. 

Call it an angel, a spirit guide or a highway patrolman. I have always had someone come out of nowhere to stop me if I was doing something I shouldn't be doing. Everytime. Its been like that my whole life.

I get so focused on something, I wonder where all this frustration is coming from after getting blocked a multitude of ways and times. Then its time to ask why. Why am I so bothered? Where is it coming from? Usually if you take time to ask that the answer is right in front of you.

So my answer is this... Stop pushing. 

I've heard this so clearly in the last year and within the last month that I give in for reals. I can't do it anymore and I don't want to.

My life is so much more enjoyable when I just do what I feel. Find enjoyment in the things I love and live in that place. The rest seems to take care of itself when I follow that route. 

Hell, the last two trips I had planned to go on my own when suddenly a friend asked if they could go with. It turned out perfect both times and I didn't need to do a thing to make it happen. 

I started to really feel the "no push mode" on this last trip out west and am trying to continue to be conscious of that feeling day to day. Especially when those frustrations mount.

I don't want to be anything other than me anymore. I just want to be. 

Keep thinking that I've got this nailed down until it comes back up to slap me in the face. This latest slap includes 6 month probation and Utah traffic school. Perhaps, I will learn how to drive and not get a ticket. That would be cool.

Anyhoo, a couple of you have emailed me to share stories of your lives and thanked me for sharing mine. I am touched that you find value in these little crazy thoughts of mine. I started out just wanting to keep journaling after a three month trip to Spain but it appears its hit a chord for some of you and that's a really cool thing.

Haven't been writing as much as doing these last few months and enjoying the hell out of it. Lots of Yoga, reading, beach swims, connecting with friends, painting, hiking, bike rides, and of course work which has begun to feel more like social hour than work. I get to talk to a lot of different people and its been quite enjoyable.

Not looking out for the next big thing instead just looking at now. And finally settling into a place where push is passé. 

Hope all is well in your worlds too.