Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Strength and Beauty

I sit down in the sand and let the waves crash into me like a crescendo. Each wave I feel myself sinking into the sand a bit more as I look at the rocks around me and grab one nearby. To my surprise, I flip the rock over and a beautiful shell is attached.

The color is vibrant. The lines intricate and beautiful. I can't believe what kind of beauty can turn up under a rock. I rub my fingers over and around several times then find a resting place for my thumb which seems like such a natural place for it to be. I close my hands around the rock and it is like a security blanket I never want to let go of. And all I feel at this moment with waves continuing to crash... is happy.

I think back to Sedona and the man who gave me a red stone heart on a special hike. He had told me to hold onto it and hold it close when things got tough. I think of that rock and this one and the feeling is similar but different.

I'm not in a state of running away, running to something or someone. I just am.

As I examine it closely I follow the lines, the curves, the color. How its melded so perfectly with the rock and I think - strength and beauty together as one. How perfect.

I've had to look at things differently this week. An eye allergy finally got me to go see the eye doctor. I woke up one morning wondering if I had taken my contacts out the night before. Was so tired that I thought I had left one in and proceeded to prod my eye thinking I'd find it. How could I not know if they were out?  Was I that out of it? That space/time thing is happening again as I woke yesterday wondering where I was and then trying to figure out which job I needed to be at. 

Its such an odd feeling but comforting to not be stuck in time. Sometimes I wonder if I travel too far when I sleep.

"You'll have to wear your glasses for a week and use drops" the doctor told me. I freak out aloud.

"But what about paddle boarding tours, yoga, painting and the restaurant??" I ask worried.

"Just exactly how many jobs DO you have?" she says.

So I get her to agree to knock a weeks worth of time into four days. I begrudgingly put on my glasses and leave the doctors office with sunlight streaming into my unsunglassed eyes. My sense of space is now really off and I almost hit a pole riding my bike out of the doctors office. Crap.

I feel like I'm on some kind of ride with the glasses. Things move, I have to adjust whipping my head around to dart across streets or just walking straight. Ugh. I feel vulnerable. 

I give up and go with it.

As I walk into the restaurant, most of the guys seem surprised and just widen their eyes and go "Glasses?" Yup, I've worn them since the fourth grade but I usually just save it for home or when my eyes feel like they're going to fall out of my skull from too much use. 

"Hmmmm. You look... interesting." 

I get this comment from my coffee guy at Sandy's and a co-worker. 


I feel like another person with the glasses on. I guess I thought I would have hid behind them more but something different happens. The inside comes out.

My inner nerd is now on display. It feels like how I think and process things internally can now be seen on my face. I get a long look in the eyes from many different men I know that night and during these past four days. 

Sometimes I feel like they are looking into my soul and I just stare back wondering what they are thinking. There is a vulnerability in those stares that I find charming. Much more charming than if I wore a tight dress showing off my ass. I'd rather wear glasses to get a mans attention.

How can they look at me this differently with just glasses? Why don't I get that look without them? I wonder.

I start to enjoy the glasses. Feel more open with them on and notice how many people actually wear them too. As I approach glass wearing tables, I feel like saying "Hey! I've got glasses too!" 

I realize its kinda like a bro-nod when we stare at each other through these optics and silently say "What's up, yo?". I feel a comradery saluting their inner nerd with my inner nerd. It feels kinda awesome. 

I try yoga without them. I have to really focus and listen since I can't see much and wonder if people think I'm staring like a psycho at them. When in reality I'm just trying to focus on one non-moving blob so I can find balance to do different poses. Doing a headstand without vision is kinda wobbly.

Swimming is a whole other carnival ride as my balance is already off and bobbing in the blurry water must feel like what it is to be a fetus. I get out of the water feeling motion sick but have a fellow beach goer point out some dolphins swimming near shore. I slap those puppies back on my face and enjoy.

Kayak tour and its time to brave it in the water and hope they don't fall off. Will I be able to find things to pick up? Will they think I need to be smarter with the glasses and my random "scientific" commentary will be found out as a load of bullshit?

Also have to mentally remember I don't have sunglasses on and I cannot do my early morning eye-roll when someone makes an idiot out of themselves. Um, yeah they can see that. Crap, no hiding behind the screen. Vulnerability again.

And then finally back to the doctor. I need to take care of my eyes better - give them a rest from time to time. Maybe get some new glasses so I can salute my inner nerd more often and give those peepers a break. Kinda like that idea and already start scouting out new frames to celebrate.

The doctor asks me if I want to leave with contacts in. I shake my head with my mouth open like a begging dog. I like the glasses but want more mobility back especially in yoga class. She plops them in and suggests I get some additional over the counter drops for more eye soothing maintenance.

As I go into the store, I raise my sunglasses off my face and feel exposed again. Like the first time I put on my glasses outside. 

I get a stare. Its the stare I was getting all week but without those spectacles and am a bit surprised. 

Huh, maybe I never noticed it before. 

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