Sunday, August 31, 2014

Gentle Flow

Getting back in the swing of being back after two weeks traveling. Twas a family round up after seeing my parents and brother in St. Louis followed by my cousin and sister in San Francisco/Sonoma.

Got to see SWAT teams in the Lou and leave San Francisco three hours before the biggest earthquake they've had since the late '80s.

Should have known something was on the horizon after the first stop on my San Fran tour at the hotel they filmed the Towering Inferno at. 

A part of two 1970's movies I loved and feared growing up - Earthquake and Towering Inferno. What someone affectionately named the "Shake and Bake" series. 

Lots of good things in Cali. Sustainable farming, nature hikes, ancient redwood trees, good food and wine, cute hipster lumberjacks, and intense yoga studios. Hmmmm, A girl could get used to this. 

One thing that made me realize I'm from Florida though is that I kept thinking everyone was so calm it was unnerving. Yo, where's the grit???

I kept jolting back from traffic when my cousin suggested us crossing the street was safe. Telling me that in California, pedestrian traffic has the right away. I was in shock watching cars slow to a cautious stop instead of going faster to try and run me over. 

It was a great all around trip home and out west. Found out Dad has one more surgery to go which is a bit worrisome but I know it'll be ok. 

Went to class this week and realized I had a muscle in my neck that refused to release. Its been there for quite a while. 

Lately I've been feeling like my right side has been higher than my left and wondered why. Sofia even pointed it out after I fell out of a tripod headstand. "Ahhhh, so that's it. There it is. What is it? Why are you stressed?" 

But I haven't felt stressed so I replied with just a simple "back to work.."

You can always see where you are holding things in by which muscles are knotted. And teachers really see it and know. You cannot hide from a yoga teacher.

Still can't get it to release. Got up late one morning and decided I needed a gentle class which I think started the opening. A little slow flow to release whatever was jacked up in there. 

Didn't even know it was that jacked until today's gentle class and a fellow student asked me about my trip and how my parents were. And then it started. Tears. Through the whole class and a little after.

I've been wondering why I felt numb to this latest family health crisis but in all honesty, the numbness helped. It was like watching a movie, telling people about the cancer and seeing their horrified response to it but feeling like "Yup, its cancer. Again. Whadda ya gonna do?" 

Cancer has definitely been on the brain. Lately, I've even begun having dreams with someone talking to me about melanoma.

Call it cancer fatigue or just dealing with what you have until you can really deal with it. I've never been able to stuff anything away that long and once it does come up, I can't stop it. 

My fellow student who has had her own family health struggles and gives me a sympathetic smile and namaste nod at the end. It makes the gates want to open even more and I'm trying hard to let it go but also not be a slobbering mess. Leaving class I notice I finally feel that muscle release. Ah, thank you.

This is why I love yoga. Whatever kind of energy gets stuck in my body has no place to hide once I start moving. Yoga grounds and opens me up allowing me to be who I really am. And ultimately I can share that freely with others. 

Been noticing that part the most being back from the trip. Its been a lot easier lately. And why I guess I find myself wanting to start my day  with some kind of asana. I crave it.

Other than that little nugget of discovery from the week. Things are good. 

Been painting and finding it opening up as well. Just like yoga if I don't doodle a day, I feel kinda jacked up. Starting to have some good fun with it.

Not sure where all this stuff will ultimately lead but I can feel it going somewhere. The cool thing is that its really becoming a natural flow of sorts. I find myself less stressed about it and enjoying the ride more and more. 

My travel life is starting to become my everyday life.

Been reading the Bhagavad Gita there was one entry that really stood out yesterday:

"Those who are motivated only by desire for the fruits of action are miserable, for they are constantly anxious about the results of what they do."

Read it a few times. It felt deep for me and my struggles to get somewhere, be something, or feel like what I want is just out of my grasp.

Here was the lightbulb moment, one that has shown its way many times but for some reason this time I get it:

When you attach to the outcome of something, it lessens the actual power of what is actually taking place. 

But if you come from a place of doing something from your heart, that's the only thing that matters. No matter what the outcome.

What a wonderful way to live...

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