Wednesday, July 15, 2015

The Journey Inward

Yesterday was a pretty amazing day.

Besides getting the first look at Pluto the planet of transformation, regeneration and rebirth; I got to talk with my Grandma who passed away years ago.

I thought I would have been traveling a ton this summer but am surprised to find I haven't gone anywhere. 

Choosing to stay in Key West as nothing has called me away. Trips flash up for me. I know in an instant where I should go and when. Not this summer... Being burnt out with people, work and realizing there is not trip relief in sight is kinda a bummer.

But sometimes when you think you'll be moving out in the world to explore your job is to journey inward instead.

I spent last weekend joyfully reorganizing my house whilst getting some needed alone time after a stressful night at work. I think I fell a little in love with Ross again much to my dismay. 

Who knew containers and throwing things away could be such fun?

Been feeling a bit stuck lately. Its a dangerous place for me cause when I get feeling this way I am an animal in a small cage bouncing off the walls. I hate, hate, hate feeling stuck.

So I choose things to break myself out or distract. Some choices are better than others. The ones I think of mostly are relationships I choose to break myself out. They sometimes overwhelm and destroy everything in its wake.

But I'm tired of doing it that way so I've been finding other ways. Yoga, meditation, drawing, painting, writing. Its always been there for me but I'm finally using it as a first choice.

Lots of stuff swirling in my head. Should I buy a house? Should I stay in Key West or leave? Why isn't my art taking off? Should I get into Real Estate? How long will I be waiting tables? Why do people drain me so and why do I continue to work with them in such an intense way?

Ultimately my life feels worn. Old. Outdated. 

This is how I know something is about to change. That good old uncomfortable feeling is a callin' to break free and shift.

Its usually where I take a trip to open it up, but I haven't. Instead I've been digging in. Not sure why but knowing I need to be here and present in it. Its time to let go and release.

Had a mammogram a couple of months back when I had worries that something started to take root in my body. Cancer has always been in the back of my mind after watching both parents go through it. 

Obamacare got me a free mammogram but there was a $1000 ultrasound that was now needed. They were very thorough looking back at years past of mammograms. 

Each year my doctor mentioned, I remember as a "destruction year". I say that kindly as what was built up needed to crash and be rebuilt. I realize now its just the nature of life and can be a profoundly scary but exciting time.

Our hospital down here is overpriced as is most of the healthcare system everywhere. I don't trust many healthcare providers. I have one great doctor I love and that's fine. She doesn't take insurance though. 

So in calling around I found a place in Miami to rent a car to drive up, take my films to and get checked out. 

Yup, I chose to go to a psychic instead. 

I know what you're thinking. Are you fucking crazy? What if she's wrong? What if you have an opportunity to find something and miss it?

And to this I say, I trust this psychic more than I trust a radiologist. I figure with her medical intuitive skills I'd get scanned out and obtain some other answers as well at a fraction of the cost. And I did.

She had great recommendations from people who had health issues, went to a doctor and found her diagnosis was correct. 

I get a little nervous letting people dig into my energy. I need to trust them implicitly. I read up on her and feel that trust the minute we saw each other.

So why not?? I don't believe in the current medical establishment but I do believe in the holistic one. She was absolutely amazing. 

She told me she's seen me around before and that she was excited for the reading cause it was going to be fun. 

Something about meeting people like her makes me feel not so alone in the world. Someone is finally there to talk about all this stuff and its totally normal. It was meeting up with an old friend again which I had never met and I loved it. 

Finally put to rest my questions about cancer and I got to talk with my Grandmother. The one I modeled my artist self after. The one I was with when she died. She was magical and I miss her.

When she died I had so much anxiety. Where did she go? Was she ok? Where do we all go after this? It was my first major death to experience and I had so many questions. Her death started my path of unrooting and re-rooting through traumatic experiences. 

She's doing great. Has tons of friends over there. Is as fashionable as ever with all her amazing accessories. My psychic told me she was adorable. Grandma was someone you'd want to take to lunch and go shopping with. Yup.

She told me that she knew I was there with her when she died. Something I had always wondered as I watched her slip away with each remaining breath. 

She loved me and was my biggest fan down here. She encouraged me to keep working on my writing, art, photography. She let me know how talented she thought I was. 

I needed to hear all this in a way I couldn't imagine. It makes me cry with happiness as I write it now.

She told me that real estate was not for me. Something I had been feeling and putting off. I need to keep creating which is what I have been feeling in my heart but wondering how it would affect my pocketbook. (I am my father's daughter for sure.)

It makes me so happy to know she's around and ok. It gives me hope there's more to come after all this life and I'll get to reconnect. 

My sister's dead cat Fred even jumped into my reading just like he used to appear for me when I came home. Still a goofball too, the psychic had to stop looking at him cause he was distracting her.

I had asked about the cancer and Dorothea told me it wasn't in me just like it wasn't in my Grandmother. She died a peaceful death and I was told that was my path as well.

Relief. I can finally let this cancer go. It really is not mine.

Something I don't feel I can get from our current healthcare system even though I am participating in it with Obamacare. There is not a holistic side that exists in the system that I relate to. To me its all about the money. Something I absolutely despise.

Would I give my money to a medical intuitive psychic if I ever thought something was wrong? Absolutely in a heartbeat. I got what I needed.

She talked to me about my chakras and rainbow light. She showed me how to locate them as I put my hand over each chakra.

My heart chakra feels like a round balloon. My third chakra vibrates. I can feel my third eye open when I hit the spot. Being a tactile person is pretty cool.

Need to open my crown more to access myself further. Apparently I am a very physical person and this is how I learn. 

Makes sense with all the yoga, traveling hikes and excursions. She told me that's how I open myself up to this life. I couldn't agree more.

I need to stop analyzing so much and let that information come in more naturally through the top of my head. Yup. That is a lot harder than I realized.

I experienced it that one day at the beach breathing with eyes closed. The flow of energy and connection was amazing but I need to get there without my brain running into exhaustion mode though. 

As for the art and creative pursuits I need to keep creating and it will find its way. Its coming soon as I also find out this walk I've been on is nearing its end and a new one is about to begin. Like a labyrinth. 

I've definitely been feeling that and am excited to finish up and break through for reals. Its time.

It doesn't matter where I am, I can be this person anywhere. The location doesn't matter (i.e., Key West) which is a relief to hear. And I could buy a home down here cause it would be a good investment, but just don't obsess over it, ok? 


It will be the fall when one last test or marker comes up. I'm ready. At least I hope I am... 

A new pathway is there to begin and breaking through to the other side is oh so close.

My grandma is already packing a bag for the trip.

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