Not Good Enough.

Well, the condo is no more...Funny how things roll in and out so quickly. I'm bummed but know it was the right decision. 

Loved the space. It was perfect and exactly what I wanted in the neighborhood I've always wanted to live in.

Started imagining my life in it. The pug I was going to finally get. What I would buy, how I come home after work for night swims. #yay. Hanging out with my friends who lived right across the street. 

Yup, had been getting real excited about the move in when I got the call. 

The bank couldn't approve the loan. 

"I guess this is an I told you so moment" my loan officer said. 

We had a big "come to Jesus" conversation with me telling him that the other broker said he wouldn't make it happen and I guess that has come to fruition. Even though he promised it would. "I'm sorry...you were right."

Getting the call right before I had to go into work and in normal fashion I was starting to lose my voice from a cold that's been passed around at the restaurant lately. I was oddly calm. 

The next day I talked to some peeps and gathered my options before my voice pooped out. It wasn't hard to know the right choice.

The problem wasn't me or my finances. I was in fact a prime candidate to buy. 

But the building didn't hold enough insurance and that was where the gig was up. 

The bank refused to take the risk that the other tenants would be able to rebuild the building if it didn't get wiped off the face of the earth. (Yes, you need to factor apocalyptic weather into the purchase of a property in Florida)

I reached out to people I know who have properties down here to find out if this was a standard insurance policy. Is Florida is just crazy about their insurance policies?

Talked to two more banks when I realized if its this hard for me to buy, it its going to be equally hard to sell it and that was that.

I am a good candidate. I have a lot to offer and feel the same should be given to me. 

I was now forced into a position of fear of losing something I had longed for or seeing the reality and having to wrap myself into something I didn't want to do just so I could get it.

So, I chose to let it go. 

This has been a long standing issue for me. Knowing my worth and moving from that place of knowing instead of a place of fear. I think I finally know it. 

The crazy stress of getting a house had me remembering to trust. Trust that everything is happening right. Trust that there is something guiding me to the place I need to be. Just let go and trust. What is meant to be will be.

I was saying "trust" to myself whenever I'd start fearing and it relaxed me. Even thought it would have been great, I won't sacrifice myself to fit into a place I know isn't good for me. And that is probably the greatest gift. Seeing that self worth has finally taken hold. It feels good.

This one astrologer writes a great column every week and here's what she wrote for the day I let the condo go:

Moon is in Scorpio and goes void square to Sun. Today is the Final exam! Sun squares Saturn, Moon and Admetos. Sun’s light in Leo is the brightest it can be! Here in the Northern Hemisphere, we are at the warmest time. It challenges the darkness of Saturn in Scorpio’s swamp and THE SUN WINS!!! THE SUN IS BIGGER, BRIGHTER AND BOLDER THAN SATURN. SATURN REVOLVES AROUND THE SUN, not the other way around. Let your sun shine in! Allow the last few years of Saturn rolling through the swamp of your life to go. You can just let them go. Yes, it is that easy. The Sun is shining in. Or it wants to. Venus works with Pluto to invite a different vision of what is possible in your life. Why can’t that happen? Move toward it with an open heart. Open up your heart and let the sun shine in. Venus works with Uranus and breaks free of her restrictions (part two). Sun’s sesquiquadrate to Pluto invites a letting go energy. Mercury’s aspect to Eris can be envy filled or tired of dealing with the envy and difficulties. Take action in the direction of your stress. Move to clear it and release it. There is very serious ending energy today ~ ending 2 ½ years, 29 years or maybe even your life… time to move towards the light! Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Hands off. Let go. Back away. Move towards your life and your light!


So back to my much loved life which has felt on hold in order to be available signatures and paperwork shuffling. 

Including curling up today with a good book and some movies to help recuperate my throat.

I have been educated on what it takes to get a house bought and on the fly negotiations. It'll come in handy again for sure.

Next!

Easy Does It

Its an easy flow sort of morning

Love the rain...

"What Steve Jobs Taught Me"

Read a beautiful article this weekend in the NY Times. 

A good reminder to try to do your best at whatever you do. And our actions however small, affect others in all kinds of ways.

Wonder if everyone considered this, the world would be a better place. 

"What Steve Jobs Taught Me about being a Son and a Father"

A Tale of Two Mortgages

This has been one of the more stressful weeks I've had in a while.

First off, let me say they should be teaching Finances in high school and beyond. Fuck Home Ec.

Car mechanics 101, retirement planning and how to buy a home should be the foundation of life learning for high school seniors and college graduates. 

If you are hungry you'll figure out a way to eat. 

A visit to the Circle K for Cheetos or such. If you can't manage your finances right, you can't buy those Cheetos.

Ok, so I've been shopping for mortgages. Had a steady bank guy I had been working with. While asking if he could do better on the rates and him saying no, I decided to check out another guy.

Second off, I cannot fathom how people have affairs.

This week I bounced between the two asking questions, making contact and trying to understand their Good Faith Estimates with figures that shifted and swirled with each conversation. It was like a carny shell game.

My father is an insurance man and has ingrained in me that you never sign something unless you have read and understood it.

So here I am at midnight the night before a meeting reading through a HUD booklet with size 3 font trying to understand these forms and the figures in it.

I think I'm going with one guy only a mere 24 hours to decide on the other.

"What's he offering you? I can do better." 

"We've been working on this from the start. Don't leave"

"He's not as good as I am. I can do better."

My stomach turned with each new conversation. 

I have never cheated on a boyfriend before and after this whole process I wondered why anyone would. The sex must be fantastical.

But even with that, its so much effort to keep things balanced. Too much spun out energy - you don't know which way is up. It tore me apart thinking I was with one, only to decide I was going with the other.

Inspection day and I finally see that the guy I had been with from the start was who I wanted to be with. He was solid. I could understand him. He cared.

The other guy while charming was the carny shell game. I'll make you the better deal but I can't really explain how. You know I'm better, just believe the smoke and mirrors. I'm fun! Its all good...

Relieved to have finally made a decision and ready to get things moving on the right track again. I inform both of them of my decision.

The steady bank guy is excited to have me back on board. I put him through the paces for sure but it was only for evaluations sake and the shopping process which those HUD booklets say you must do for this big of a purchase. 

The other guy...Well after telling him with much consideration I decided to stick with my guy. I got some nasty emails.

"How could you? This makes no sense!" "This won't work. You'll be back!"

I felt bad and my week long heartburn flared, but I was a consumer making one of the bigger decisions in my life so far. Why wouldn't I shop and weigh the options offered?

At work and worried about some of the things he was saying I called my banker. "Look, he's been saying this about you. I really want this place and I need to know you're going to do it right."

He assured me it was going through. All the hard work we've done is good. He also wished this guy would stop trying to scare me. 

So, I didn't respond to those nasty emails. Which also made me feel the other side of some of the relationships I've had. Understanding the silence a bit better.

I finally chose the solid one. No more smoke and mirrors for me.

Onward...Now lets lock in that rate.

Memory Lane pt 2

Going back into an external hard drive to find something for my sis. Having a big trip down memory lane moment. 

So many good memories. Maybe its the hard drive. 

Maybe its all the questions from mortgage brokers and a dizzying amount of paper work to review. 

Some oldies but goodies but I definitely feel like something is wrapping up in a good way.

The Buddhist retreat month at Tara Mandala and temple painting with Lama G. He always chanted and sang while he drew which was amazing. And I especially enjoyed our Lama coffee time which was red wine in coffee cups.

You know your Lama is the shit when he eats prosciutto.

Going up to Chicago to clean out my storage unit and move permanently to Key West. The top picture is my friend telling me that the boy in blue who had been hitting on me is only 15. 

He promised me he'd come to Key West to visit me...once he got his drivers license. That is the expression on my face up top after hearing those exact words.

The trip out west to the big hole and the beginning of Boynton Canyon hike. So spiritual and amazing out there. Lucky to have experienced it.

Ok time to take out my contacts, put on my glasses and back to the papers to try to figure out all this stuff.

Live!

Finished that website. Namaste Bitches!

off to get shrimp to cook for dinner...

Social Curator

I think I found a name for what I've been up to lately. 

"Social Curator"

I had no idea this was a "job title" 

Saw it on a friends Facebook page asking if they knew anyone who was looking for a full-time position.

Hmmmmmm....

Words and pictures make me happy. Especially when I can make it into a story - visual or otherwise. 

I've been doing a lot of it lately for other people along with creating a system to put it in. Something I like to do for myself as well. (as you might be well aware while visiting this page...)

Here's what I "curated" this morning after yoga class. 

Social Curator - I like it. That Journalism degree just may pay off. Ha!