It's amazing how our bodies can tell us exactly what our minds fail to grasp. Sometimes the physical answer is a big slap across the face complete with a "Snap out of it!" moment. I got that much needed slap on Sunday while working the boat.
Work has been busy and my kayak job added another shift to facilitate a revised cruise ship schedule. No problem I thought, it's just a little more, I'll adjust. I've been keeping my day jobs going, creating art as well as taking it up a notch with my marketing gig. Taking one and a half days off to rest and recharge for each week. That's a lot and not a lot of time to do it.
I had a realization last week about what I want to create for myself and know it's possible if I devote the proper time to it. I said what I wanted aloud and certainly agreed with it but I guess the decision hadn't totally worked its way through to acceptance and more importantly the change needed to make things happen. If I've learned anything, its that change happens at the exact moment it should and usually in unexpected ways.
It started with an amazing three day vacation or what felt like one when a windy week gave me two extra days off. With some quiet time at home which included lovely night swims, I felt recharged, recuperated but most of all I felt human again. Didn't quite realize the machine I had become over the past in season months.
People have been in my personal space a lot at home and work. I like people but being around them constantly you need down time. When you're working in the tourism sector, you're "on" all the time, tend to have no space of your own and that's why on your days off you can't get away from people fast enough. Think of it this way, if you talked to people for 6 days straight 8 - 10 hours a day, you'd want a little quiet time too.
Fast forward to this week and the new schedule. A little more won't hurt, right? Wrong. I was already stretched to the max but still decided to work another shift, not exactly what I had told myself earlier. After feeling what a few days off was like, my body revolted. Migraines started coming in fast and furious and if you've ever had one you know the pain and how all function ceases immediately.
Walked into work Friday night half dressed and talking nonsense after my new kayak shift that morning. Knowing my current state, I was fully prepared to ask to be released for the night if the books didn't look full. Thankfully they weren't and just an hour after returning to my compound, wouldn't you know it, the migraine disappeared.
Sunday got me out on the water for two snorkel cruises full of chatty passengers. I swept through them trying to keep everyone functioning properly even though the last thing I wanted to do was talk or service anyone. My body started to get fussy, so like placating a small child, I took a couple dips in the water swimming around to make it seem like I was taking time for myself. Except it wasn't, it was work.
The second trip my body caught onto this old switcheroo trick and the migraine returned with a vengeance. I tried pounding water; tried to keep working but that quickly ended when the pain got so bad I grabbed the rail and puked over the side. Uh huh. Nothing wakes you up to something ain't quite right like a little vomit. The mind finally caught up with the body and said you can't do this anymore - it's too much.
Adding to this enlightened moment was a couple who came up beside me mid-hurl. Even in my vomitacious state, I still had to be "on" which made me see how truly ridiculous it all was. If you can believe it, they started asking me questions in between hurls. Normally I tend to run away from vomit not towards it but that's just me.
"So how long have you been doing this job? How long have you lived here?" they asked. I understand small talk is a nice thing to do but I'm puking here can I have a moment to myself? I held a conversation until I just couldn't anymore and left after pointing at my emptied stomach in the water. "The fish LOOOVE it." I said as they sat entertained.
Found another quiet space to recompose, but as I was doing that while storing away fins, another guy came by and started with his chatter. I had been listening to endless chatter all month and was officially done. Listened to the white noise for a a bit but eventually had to run away cause hearing his voice made me want to throw up again. Ok, I get it. Need some more time for myself. This isn't working. Got it. Can we stop with the upchuck factor, now? Thanks.
Once I did that, finally got on board, it stopped.
Kept working to finish out the shift I had promised to do and decided I would just power through. My captain gave me a gentle tap on the back, asked me if I was ok. I nodded yes and kept working. He decided to head back a little early, God bless him. The first time all week anyone showed me mercy and I was so grateful for it. Why aren't I doing that for myself? OK, got it.
I knew what I had to do. It was time to purge. Time to call the kayak place and tell them I can't do more - I'm fried. Time to look at what amount of time I have to devote to my projects, my loves and increase it.
Most of all it's time to be human again.
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