Saturday, January 22, 2011

Turn that Police Frown Upside Down

Ok. Let me preface this story. So I am a dumbass.

It's cold and my beast of a car, which is currently being held together by rust, has one headlight out. It has for a while now. I have even been cited for said offense already once up the keys a summer ago. So as I debated to take the car for a roll tonight a couple blocks, I knew it was not a good idea.

Half a block up from my residence...I see a cop. Shit. I'm at a stop sign and he flashes his lights at me signaling, my one light out. I'm thinking, just roll with it. Give a wave - "Oh yeah, thanks for letting me go ahead". Yeah, um no.

Blue swirling lights go on. crap. I pull over.

Tonight's discussion is about how cool Key West cops can be and a 101 on how to get out of a ticket you already got.

I've had a friend or two that liked to mouth off to cops and the upside to this is it has taught me well - a basic "what NOT to do". I myself do not like to get in trouble with the law but have seen up close and personal how this all goes down. So let's begin tonight's lesson, shall we?

Step 1:
Look super happy and greet the police officer like a long lost friend. "Helloooooo Officer! How are you tonight?!". This disarms them because no one is happy to see a cop and most of the time they are dealing with jackasses.

Step 2:
Admit you did something wrong immediately. These guys are not stupid and by trying to lie to them you offend their intelligence. "Yes, I knew I needed to fix my headlight. I just haven't done it yet. Arrrrgh!" (insert unhappy clown frown here with a dash of shaken fist)

Step 3:
Go on the offense and outwardly offer everything. Your vehicle information, your driver's license, your outdated Geico card (Jesus, Mary and Joseph. crap. The latest version is at home around the corner.). If you offer to give it, you're helping them do their job. Another shock to the system. And the officer understands the outdated Geico card. He gets his late too. Who knew?

Step 4:
Bang your head with your hand while the officer takes all your information to his police car. Look to your right and see a cute young officer in training watching you pummel yourself as he waves with a sexy dimpled little smile. You stop hitting your head and wave back wondering the entire time: "When the force get so hot?" (This one I learned tonight).

Step 5:
Try to blind yourself while explaining yourself.

Officer: "Ok, there's one thing.
Me: "Yesss??"
Officer: "It says you should be wearing glasses."
Me: "Oh! I am! I mean I'm wearing contacts!" (pointing at but really poking your eye)
Officer (horrified): "Oh good God! Don't take your eye out!"
Me: "Whoops!"

Step 6:
Cool Key West officer smiles and tells you to go ahead even after you tell him you're going straight home to park this beast and walk. He tells you don't worry about it, go ahead and drive just get it fixed.

Yet another reason to love Key West.

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