"You're so sensitive."
A phrase I've heard many different times in my life when strong feelings arose. It's felt like a flaw and come across as an insult. I've tried to deny it and push it away because its felt more like a curse than a blessing. But it is a blessing.
"How was your trip to Peru?"
A question I've been asked and struggled to put into coherent sentences. I'm still processing what I learned down there. My body has spent the last two weeks trying to catch up to my mind and heart. As such, I've been eating like a ravenous animal and then passing out.
I laugh at this remembering how Tio enjoyed seeing me in this familiar state on one of our excursions in Spain. The infamous "infomercial" trip. He found great pleasure in it.
When I travel I am able to really connect to myself. Part of the reason I love it so much and make it a priority in my life. It opens me up and lets me plug in. This last trip helped me find myself again in so many ways. To finally know that what I am and clarify my intentions which are no mistake.
I got to meet such sensitive beautiful people down there. Instant deep connections with total strangers which felt so right and satisfying. One in particular became a quick friend when he took out his camera in the ride to the compound. We got to talking that day and for some reason, I mentioned something I had been thinking about for weeks. A 4th grade science project I did on solar panels. I built half a house out of cardboard and bendy straws to show how it all worked. I remember not a lot of people being too "wowed" by it but I loved it and desperately wanted a house with one.
My friend's face was shocked. "What? You too?" I asked him. Apparently we had the same ideas and science projects kickin' way back in grade school. I've been obsessed with solar energy since then and so had he. Well, huh, that's kinda kooky and cool.
Another day, after learning some new yoga moves I was just so happy and appreciative to our teacher. A really beautiful, sensitive man who I waited to hug. As we did, I felt my heart reach out to his. To the point of even feeling a little electrical zing. I felt it so strongly and was a little exposed by it. I began to wonder if it was something I imagined. After we broke our embrace, he gave me a knowing glance and a simple but meaningful "thank you" for it.
During this week, we all discussed a lot of things. The big one being why we were here. I had intentions going into this trip and knew what I wanted to work on but the why has never been verbalized. As it came out of my mouth, I realized - this is it.
I can feel a lot. At times, I feel people's pain so strongly, it overwhelms me. I can get lost in other people's suffering and all I want to do is make it stop. For them and for me.
In this feeling, I've tried to help people but always attached to the outcome. I've not been able to let go of the possibility that this is their choice, their chosen pain. It is their process and to let them have it.
I asked my new friend to sit next to me in our second ceremony. As we entered into it, I was frightened and had asked the spirits for what I needed which was calm. They understood and gave it to me. Such a gift.
In that calmness, we began to have a conversation all night. I first spoke to it as a child and then as an adult. I quickly began to understand what has frightened or confused me throughout different points in my life. It showed me how to separate and feel safe.
Voices amplified around me. Calling out my name, calling out in pain. I could do nothing to help but send them love. I did not have to escape, I could be present in it without it consuming me.
At one point, I could feel my friend next to me going into his dark, death place. He was frightened and quickly disappearing in it.
I was conflicted. Do I reach out to help him? Should I let him have his process? The conflict stopped when I felt the strong urge to reach out and grab his arm. We are not supposed to talk in these ceremonies but a scared and tearful "thank you" came out of his mouth when I did.
I grabbed his hand and mentally told him, "You do not have to go to that place. You are not alone. I love you." and after a bit I let go. In that instant, it all became so clear to me. Such a release and relief.
I began sending out love to all my friends on their journey and it felt good. It felt right.
Its been interesting to re-enter from this trip. I see the noise and find myself struggling with going back to that old way but I know the feeling of openness and don't want to deny myself it anymore. Its still all swirling in my head. This is the only part of it I felt needed to be explained.
How was my trip to Peru?
Beautiful and perfect in so many ways.
