The Cheetos Dilema

Full moon madness and Facebook suicide. It's been a good week so far and it's only Wednesday.

Oh the beauty of a full moon gives us all quite a show of human neurosis in one full punch. Human nature illuminated by a big pocked-faced glowing globe in the sky. It's entertaining and all free. I seriously gauge people's level of sanity by that moon. Today I looked up and saw it's looming fullness coming. I will judge tonight's level of emotional retardedness by the crescent I saw today.

You can start to see the effects of a full moon by how people react to other people. Today, it's getting a blank eyed stare from what I believe was a vacationing Midwestern couple after almost backing my bike into them. I didn't see them the way I was facing and gave a friendly smile and along with an "Oops, sorry!". The response was a death star stare like I was an alien life-force with glow in the dark snot.

The full moon is felt a lot more intensely down here. Makes sense for an island surrounded by water and a moon gravitationally controlling water based beings. You can see the effects about about a week out from a full on full moon and by the time you've realized it - it's too late. Thinking this I quickly flashed to Monday night at work.

It's been unusually cold and on Monday evening while covering an ailing co-worker's shift, the inside dining room fills up all at one time in about the span of four minutes. While I walk amongst the crowded guests settling them in with drinks, I can quickly feel all eyes bore into the back of my skull as a reminder that everyone wants their attention needs fulfilled. It was an odd feeling since no one was said anything but instead just stared intently whenever I visited another table like "When am I going to get mine?" That's just freaky.

Mid-juggle, I wigged out a bit because tiptoeing into that room made me feel like I was a caged animal fully aware of the possible slaughter that had yet to come.

People really want your attention. They NEED to be seen. I never quite understood this because if you're already in the company of someone you want to spend time with, what else matters?

So out comes the survival stroking and everyone's happy. Since all of the people sat at the same time it's a friggin' feel good orgy. What is survival stroking? Imagine scratching a dog's butt in a place where the furry guy can't reach on their own. If you hit the right spot their head slowly points towards the sky, a leg manically kicks and maybe a tongue licks the air. It's essentially the same thing with customers. You gotta find the right spot and all within 5 seconds of meeting them. It's the seventh sense.

A fellow co-worker and I discussed the other day how waiting tables, in all it's bizarre encounters, can keep you coming back for more. There are several reasons but the main one is it's a nightly study of the human psyche up close and personal.

Even at it's height of crazy, face to face with people still has that something that virtual life just cannot replicate. Must be why I decided to commit Facebook suicide this week. I had already been thinking about closing my account and then I saw a comment from one of my Facebook friends that solidified it. In her status update she questioning defensively about how can someone claim you're on Facebook too much. Uh, that's an easy one, you're status is updated every 20 minutes and you place every picture you have known to man on it. Yup, it's officially time to quit.

Facebook is not for me. I admit it was really nice to quickly check in on my friends, see pics and what's going on with them but it always felt somewhat lacking. I much prefer the stopping by a friend's house to catch up or talking to someone so engrossed in conversation that you don't even realize it's 4am. That's the good stuff.

It's the difference between eating a really hearty meal vs picking up some Cheetos at the corner store. You're craving something, you know you need to stop but it's a hell of a lot easier to pick up a bag. You start to do it on a constant basis, feel like shit and wonder why you're fingers are permanently orange.

I click to close my account. All of the sudden, profile pictures of friends pop up with messages saying "Are you sure? Ryan will miss you. Mo will miss you. Jay will miss you."

Nice... Virtual guilt. I've had the plenty of the real stuff - the good Catholic kind - this is nothin'. Click. Is it over?

"Please tell us why you want to leave?"

Shit, really?

"Yes. Please pick one : a) I don't have the time. b) I spend too much time on the computer. c) I'm ignoring my real life. d) relationship problems. or e) other.

God damn, you are friggin' nosy. I pick "e) other" and click. The same screen pops up again and I click "other" yet again until I notice a message at the bottom:

"Please provide a written explanation in the box below."

I thought "other" WAS my explanation. I start to think about how to explain why I want to leave and an easy way to condense the analysis of this experiment in one measly little box. And then it comes to me.

"I don't need to explain it but if you want to know, come find me and I'll tell you in person."

CLICK.