Saturday, May 4, 2013

The Roller Coaster Effect

That's what life has felt like for the past month or so. Up, down, UP, down. 

Here's what that feels like:
Imagine parasailing as you float dangerously close to the water. Just as you wonder when you'll drown, you get yanked up so hard and fast your laughter erases it all.

Yesterday it was monsoon season and I was happy as a lark. The day started with a nice paddle board tour and I was up early setting up gear without a soul around. It was peaceful; the water delightful.

I even enjoyed biking home in torrential rain and monumental floods. Something about water these days, in any form, that makes me happy.

Today the sun is shining and I feel like crap. Blinds down, hermit on. That will need to dissolve in one hour as I gots to head into work. 

There's one thing that doesn't go well with hermit and that's service industry work.

It crushes me at moments to think about dealing with people when I feel like this. But then that kind of work and being with people, ultimately brings me out of it. How ironical.

The last trip home was hard but not in the way I thought it would be. I guess I'm still dealing with the fallout of some "not so great stuff" with my dad.

What I've learned from cancer is sickness can either bring people together or tear them apart. My father is not an easy man to deal with. Never has been. We have very different attitudes on life.

Now through two times of cancer with mom I see that I am done. Done trying to help him or try having him in my life. It is strange to admit but a relief to release it. Finally release the hope that things could get better. 

It is what it is and I don't want to partake of it anymore.

Didn't have time to deal with it at home so I do it here now. It comes up at random times and has its good days and not so good days. 

But when I do feel like crap, I just have to remember to give it a minute cause it will change. And it always does. Everything changes - constantly. 

So in the meantime, I'm finding new books on beetles and reigniting my love affair with bugs. Wearing tiny sombrero hats to fancy Aids Help dinner events. Getting up on stripper poles at biker bars. And contemplating if I would have enough time to sit on a sand horse and escape the hotel grounds as soon as someone sees me doing it. 

I will get there. I know I will.

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