Exhaust

Its been a busy few months with friends and a busy breakneck season with a whole host of characters. And after spending the last two days collapsed at home I can officially say I'm exhausted. 

From my NYC spring breakers, to visiting glass artist friend, to catching up with Dad in Miami and finally seeing my second Filipino family down here last week. 

I am a secondary filipino cause Toni's mom used to only see me in crisis and offer wine, food and fabulous slippers. It was nice to see her in good times.

In between all that I decided it was time it was time to put roots down to the delight of my mother. Possibly hanging up the Hobo tendencies and choosing paint colors instead.

I put a bid on a house while organizing my financial history and then faxing all that personal information to the wrong number. I have a minor heart attack at Office Depot; a strange conversation with a stranger to please destroy that information if they do receive it and then laugh about doing the one thing I feared most. Then had lunch with my Filipinos on Cinco de Mayo.

I celebrated another birthday. 

Birthdays and holidays can be a bit odd for me. Some kind of abandoment feeling I've carried around with me my whole life tends to pop up at these road marks which consists of: "Who's there for me? Who will show up? Am I alone?"

The definitive answer to that last question is "NO." And it showed up with donuts and champagne to celebrate this year.

I keep thinking of this picture and what words came to me as I looked at it and this is what it said:

"I let go of the past as I dream of the future."

The headless body is in the present time. With past and future swirling above and below. Releasing. Releasing... 

This is me. This is my current exhaustion and possibly why this post seems so jumbled. I've been everywhere these past few months.  

I feel the water shift around me, letting go and washing away a life that doesn't even look familiar anymore. That past pain and fear I used to carry is gone. I don't recognize it either and am actually amused at how confused and upset I used to be.

I let love wash in.

That's exactly what my intention for this year was - Love. And ironically, the yoga practice on my birthday was themed around - heart openings. You can't make this stuff up.

Not being afraid anymore. Knowing I am loved and can give love. 

Knowing finally that we can get what we want by having gratitude for it. Especially after having a great conversation with my friend/hairdresser about this very thing. There is so much abundance for everyone and we just need to acknowledge it. 

I get this message through little things that happen everyday.

Like going to Home Depot and asking a worker to cut more wood for my paintings knowing he might say no. He tells me that he's not supposed to but will if I promise to make someone else happy today. Just like he made me happy by honoring my request, I need to go out and make someone else happy. He mentions possibly my husband.

Right after this, having a man I serve at the restaurant take my hand and sincerely tell me he knows the name of my husband. "Do you want to hear it?" Yes. "His name is Lucky" and he tells me he is coming to find me. Soon.

Or the day after donating money to Tibetan nuns for Nepal earthquake relief and rebuilding; finding quite possibly the perfect home complete with separate art studio. But the best was realizing this was my home and also knowing that if it doesn't happen, the right home for me will appear just like this one did.

Finding out one of my paintings sold to the boss at one of my jobs. She didn't know Señorita Penelope was me and just loved it and its story.

Having a former difficult dalliance reappear telling me he loves me and how beautiful I am with a grateful hug. I'm partially in shock to hear it. He is finally kind and appreciative of our friendship and that feels good.

Realizing my family and I are finally on good terms. Probably the best they've ever been and whilst home shopping, getting the reassurance that they are there for me. And will be in lots of ways.

And generally being excited to learn new things and apply them to all different aspects of my life. I don't need to be anything but myself and that has many changing layers depending on my interests.

If you're like me, you tend to scoff at people who post their internet quizzes on Facebook but then secretly go and take it cause you want to find out your spirit animal.

The spider. I wasn't sure so I secretly took it twice. And was delighted when one appeared on the baseboard directly behind me when I started my annual new year 108 sun salutations. 

The spider is the weaver of life and that is exactly what my name means (if you secretly take another internet quiz). 

That is how I feel after seeing all these people from my past. Weaving in and weaving out people who were helping me deal with my pain, my uncertainty of life and death. I was creating a web that didn't necessarity fit me and that web was being created, then destroyed. Over and over again to my dismay. 

As quickly as I built one and collected these people, it was destroyed and they were dispersed. I see that now. It needed to happen - such is life.

I choose not to re-create that pain anymore so what a perfect time for them all to come back in and see the web of my life as it stands now. I am most definitely not alone and never have been. 

In fact, I have been celebrating that since early March and think I'll keep on celebrating that. 

Once I get a nap in.