Monday, October 20, 2014

Done and Done

I have learned with this teacher training I still have a very high level of anxiety around presentation. I used to feel this way in business all the time. Not sleeping before big presentations cause my head couldn't stop coming up with scenarios of how it could all go so horribly wrong. 

Strange considering I feel like I can talk to just about anyone that crosses my path pretty easily.

So teaching yoga had me in panic overdrive this whole month starting when I heard I should teach a class before our final meeting this weekend. 

I thought about saying I ran out of time and couldn't teach class but that seemed pretty lame. And it meant avoiding finishing the whole class.

Got comfortable teaching for a moment and then panic flared up once again. Found myself trying to open further in all areas. Including introducing myself to my tables at the restaurant. Something I've never done. Don't want you to know me, I want to hide.

No. Not anymore.

Living with hints of panic and easing my mind to not attach to the illusionary state I was creating turns out was my real practice. And maybe the reason I took this class.

Mostly this month consisted with me getting comfortable with presenting who I am; what I create without any judgement and trying not to let my mind run wild with fear in people seeing it.  

I busted through this weekend and tried to complete a hours list of sequencing I thought felt good and could explain thoroughly while moving. Oh and then set it to music. 

Last night at around 6pm when I felt like I had a good grasp on what I'd be doing tomorrow, I stopped futzing with the playlist and let go.

Got up early this morning and expected two friends to show but they couldn't last minute. Bummer. My teacher and I hung out for a bit chatting and I was resolved to teach someone even if that meant it was only her. 

It was an easy out with the no-shows but after all this build up, I was not up for running away like usual.

Then right before we were going to start, another friend showed up. This was my class. It was perfect.

Got through it pretty well, and started to feel more of a rhythm at the end. Had a few laughs trying to remember where I was going with things which was fun and loose. 

Feeling really happy and complete that I did it. 

Do you have a soundtrack to your fears? I do. Enjoy...


Time for an egg and cheese sandwich and a celebratory swim at the beach.

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